


1001 miles

by Nightbard



Category: N/A - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-02 00:53:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15785622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightbard/pseuds/Nightbard
Summary: shit 'n rubbish





	1. Sinner's advice

The Alabaman sun was unforgiving an august day such as this. The young man pulled his hair back, thick, long and brightly golden. Normally the idea of a haircut would have him scoff and turn his back, although times like these he’d even consider giving it some thought. Still, it wasn’t likely going to happen. The lad wasn’t planning on staying in such a climate for long. Sweat running down his back wasn’t his cup of tea to say the least and his fair skin should be proof enough he simply wasn’t made to endure this kind of weather.

Yet here he was; skinny jeans and sneakers covered with a thin layer of dust altogether and that top loose enough not to cling to his skin. His major problem was the canvas coat – although impractical it was a vital part of his mission. In the pocket was a weapon – borrowed, and according to some people, way more valuable than his life. And then it wasn’t really worth much. A solid Glock pistol. It was fairly light yet felt heavy both in his hand and his heart. He was past second-thoughts. He knew what he had to do and he was done with the anxiety. At least he felt that way now, waiting for the right person along the way. He looked like a typical victim; young, pretty, could probably be mistaken for a girl – much to his advantage this time. It’d make it easier. He had to do this to earn his place, Tony had been clear about that. If he could kill and bring the truck along with the goods to Sierra, a nearby town along the way, he would be accepted as a member of the Vipers, and once he was in, he’d automatically have some more protection. More than he had now. No more stalkers, no more harassment – at least without consequences. He’d be safer that way. That was why he had to do this.

 _I can’t protect you unless you’re in the gang, babe._ Tony, his former regular at the diner at which he used to work, had said. He wasn’t pretty- but he was dangerous.

He weighed on his sore feet, checking the cracked screen of his phone to get some kind of time perspective. Five thirty. He’d been here for a while now. Tony had dropped him off a quarter past three and by now Lumen had run out of patience as well as water.

It wasn’t until six he finally found a promising victim. A smaller lorry, slowing down as it approached. He held his thumb up, pointing in the direction which the lorry seemed to be headed.

It stopped and the window rolled down.

“Where are you heading?” a man with combed back, black and silver hair asked. Lumen couldn’t see much more than that – he was wearing sunglasses and was too far up for Lumen to catch a glimpse of his body more than a pair of shoulders in a white t-shirt.

“Sierra!” he called back “I’ve got cash if you’d let me-“

“Not needed, get in, kid!”

He did as he was told, climbing up that extra step. His bag felt heavy now, the sun had drained his energy and... hell. He was still supposed to murder this man.

“Thank you, sir” Lumen said as he got in.

“That’s a sweet little accent of yours, where are you from?”

“Scotland” he retained from complimenting the man’s voice in return. His accent wasn’t special, after all, it was just the voice that sounded nice.

“I would’ve thought so, yet, didn’t expect to find someone like you in a place like this.” The man chuckled and drove off. “Thought you were a chick.”

“Aye- that happens quite often.” Lumen admitted, truthfully. He _was_ androgynous, large, emerald eyes, full lips, slender body which somehow had turned out with a rather feminine curve to his lower body, hips, bottom and thighs. His hair, rich and golden and long enough to touch the upper part of said bottom and once – accidently enough – getting stuck in a door, he couldn’t really blame Landon for mistaking him for a female.  
 It was nice and cool in the cab and the stereo was playing some old school rock music. He avoided looking too much at the man, he’d have to kill him. He had no other way.

“So, you gonna tell me your name or not?” the man hadn’t even asked, yet Lumen just obliged without thinking.

“Lumen” he said.

“Ives.” Obviously not his real name, well, at least not his _first_ name, perhaps that was for the best. Don’t grow attached, don’t get too friendly... all those things. Don’t name the stray you’re not allowed to keep. He reached for the water bottle in the large coat-pocket, suddenly forgetting he’d run out earlier, realising it quickly however.

The man must have been glancing at him behind those dark shades as he reached for the bottle next to him and handed it to him. It was almost full.

“Drink” he said “we’ll stop for gas in an hour or two anyway. Until then...” he lowered the volume just a bit. “Tell me more about yourself, and how on hell you ended up along that road all on your own.”

“I was just trying to get to Sierra; I’ve hitchhiked my way here.” He lied “I’ve hardly got any friends or family here, but I know a guy in Sierra who’s going to help me get back home to Europe.” That was just a semi-lie, really. Making himself seem harmless and naive was the way to go, Tony had informed him.

“You look young, though, how old are you? I shouldn’t be dropping you off at the police station, should I?”

“20” unfortunately not a lie, his stay in America hadn’t been soothed by not being considered old enough to drink “Nobody is missing me.” He should’ve known way better than to say _that_ , however.

“No?” Ives raised an eyebrow. “You’re lucky I’m the one who picked you up, kid, most truckers are too desperate to shove their dick inside something they don’t care whether it’s an asshole or pussy, consent or not. Just saying.”

Lumen was aware, of course he was- the plan had been to kill before getting hurt, he’d just have to wait until the right moment- sooner or later they’d have to stop, and it would likely – _hopefully_ – be before reaching Sierra. He was nervous, who wouldn’t be? What if he’d just drop the gun? So many things that could go wrong.  

“What brought you to America?” Ives interrupted his thoughts.

“My sorry excuse of a mum.” Lumen muttered, unable to stop the bitter truth from slipping “She’s left for South Africa now. You know what they say – once you go black, and all that.”

“She just left you?” the man sounded somewhat surprised by this. Lumen shouldn’t feel good about it. Perhaps he was getting lonely. “That must’ve been some good dick.”  

He let out a snort of laughter, though, the thought was rather disturbing.

“You don’t know my mum; she’d trade me for a Chlamydia-ridden hillbilly.”

One still shouldn’t find comfort in someone he was going to kill.

Kill.

Permanently wipe this man out.

It sounded so bad. Tony had said it wasn’t a big deal, and Lumen had started to believe him. And in the end – better Ives than him, right? He wouldn't survive on his own, and he'd rather not get into some  _too_ shady business to get back home. Although - and he did try to avoid thinking that way - committing a murder was probably way worse than spending a few nights on your hands and knees biting a pillow. 

“How far is it to Sierra?” Lumen asked “I’ve lost track.”

“We’re going to stop along the way for something to eat so... about five hours, give or take.”

He broke at least twenty unwritten survival as well as hitchhiking rules by drifting off, but something about the cool air and the comfort of the seat made his eyelids feel heavy. His driver must have noticed, as he said

“I’ll wake you up, kid, get some sleep.” 

It worked like a charm – or a curse – as his head immediately fell back against the seat.

He dreamed of home, of falling asleep on the sofa near the fire at aunt Lydia’s, of being small and pampered with berry tarts and hot cocoa, of wet, sandy collie paws against dark wood floors and the scent of the sea grass and salty waters.

He woke with a jerk as a large, strong hand shook his shoulder. He blinked a few times – he was still in the cab, his neck was slightly sore from the awkward angle in which he had fallen asleep and the sun had started to set. He saw a pair of brown eyes briefly before the man turned away, his sunglasses now hanging from the collar of his white t-shirt, then the broad shoulders and strong back, partly exposed through the thin fabric clinging onto the skin slick with a sheer layer of sweat as the man climbed out the cab with an experienced ease.  


	2. Toxic

They had reached a trucker diner. It was empty, much to his surprise. The ones he had passed along the way had always had at least a few lorries in the parking lot.

“We’ve missed the rush, thank fuck.” Ives said “We’re a bit behind the schedule, in case you fancy informing your friend. Some poor fucker had crashed their car, took ages to get past. I’ve got limited patience when it comes to waiting for food now.”

Lumen shoved his hands into his pockets – the Glock was still there. With such wide pockets he should have known better than to fall asleep next to a stranger. Ives had, however, said nothing about it. Lumen mentally breathed out, jogging to keep up with the man’s stride. He had parked in a large empty lot around the corner; if it remained deserted it could be perfect. Lumen would just have to keep his fingers crossed.

Yet there was this tiny fragment of his mind hoping there’d be others around. If he simply _couldn’t_ do this, perhaps Tony would let him get away with it? _Not likely_.

The diner was worn out yet rather classic – checkerboard floor, those shiny red booths with worn out leather seats and a jukebox Lumen doubted was ever used.

Ives walked right up to the counter, Lumen couldn’t help but give him a proper look now. He wish he hadn’t, the man was good looking. He had that slightly scruffy yet classy look. Dark blue jeans, white t-shirt, slightly tanned and handsomely toned arms. Hell. Lumen mentally slapped himself across the face, shook the idea out of his head. Unless he suddenly turned into a necrophiliac he’d better get those thoughts out of his head. Gun was in his pocket, ready to be used. Soon. Within an hour, possibly.

“Kid” the voice said, all of a sudden. The man was looking at him, eyebrow raised, a rather bored looking woman in her mid fifties on the other side of the counter, looking at him, clearly unimpressed. He must’ve been lost in thought again.

“Oh” he said, apologetically.

“Food. What do you want?” Ives said, impatiently tapping his fingers against the counter. Lumen just gave the menu on the wall a quick glance, _think fast_.

“Waffles, please” It would do. “And a diet coke.”

 

“You feeling better now?” the man asked once they had found a booth to occupy for a while. “You looked awfully tired when I picked you up”

Had he? Lumen couldn’t recall being tired. Only nervous, focused, yet lost in thought at the same time.

“I was going to suggest stopping at a motel” the man winked “It’s getting late, but I suppose you’d rather go to your friend, right?” wait... motel? Together? What was that wink? Oh, hell.

“I... He’s waiting” Lumen cleared his throat “I.. uh... I’d rather go there as quickly as possible.” _Just get it over with. Go to Sierra. Live._

“Fair enough” he man shrugged, flashing him a grin. This was dangerous.

Their food arrived, as soon as he saw the massive burger Ives had ordered he deeply regretted settling for waffles, even if they too were massive and actually delicious.

 

This was it. This was the time- now or never. He had to. His life depended on it, indirectly. Possibly.

Grab the gun, pull the trigger- grab the gun, pull the trigger...

He grabbed it- it felt heavy, his hand was shaking slightly. He clenched his teeth and raised it just as the man turned around. His brown eyes widened for a second, but much to Lumen’s surprise they immediately went to meet his own. How he wished he could’ve avoided eye contact.

“Whoa, kid.” He said “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

“I... it’s nothing personal” Lumen said, stuttering. “It really isn’t-“

“You’re going to kill me?” the man still sounded surprised, Lumen swallowed, hard, saying nothing.

And then... laughter. Loud, barking laughter from the man. “You’re seriously going to kill me?!” he laughed “Oh my god, kid! You’re _adorable!”_ he took a step towards him.

This wasn’t meant to happen. Lumen felt the panic rise, why was he laughing?! He was about to die. Lumen was going to pull the trigger, whether he liked it or not.

The man was grinning widely, gaze fixed on him, shaking his head. “Aren’t you the cutest, have you ever killed a man before?” why wasn’t he scared? Why was he like this?

Lumen was still shaking “N...no” he stuttered, tightening his grip.

“Was I going to be your first? I’m flattered.” He kept another step towards him, he was close now, still not close enough to reach him, however. Lumen couldn’t let him disarm him. No tricks.

“Go on” he said “Pull the trigger, then. Show me your balls.”

He corrected his stance slightly, bracing himself for the loud _bang!_

“Do it, kid. Go on.” He held his hands up and raised his eyebrows “Don’t disappoint me now”

A _bang_ and he’d be dead. He tried to convince himself that at least- what if he didn’t kill him on the first shot? Oh, he didn’t want to hear the scream, see all that blood... wanting to be done with the killing didn’t mean he wanted him _dead_ , right?

Just a loud _bang_ , nobody would care. Nobody would hear.

A _bang_.

He wanted to throw up as he pulled the trigger.

 _Click_.

What- no- that wasn’t supposed to happen- he tried again. _Click_.

He looked at the gun in his hand, the situation distracting him too much to react fast enough when the man swiftly grabbed his wrist, twisting his arm behind his back, forcing him down on his knees.

“Oh, you’re hilarious” he said “I might even keep you alive a little while.” _Keep him_ \- he felt his heart sink and his blood pressure rise at a worryingly rate.

_No!_

“Never, ever fall asleep around strangers, darling. That little gun of you was rather intriguing. Couldn’t let you keep the ammo, though. Kids shouldn’t play with guns.” He pushed him towards the lorry, against the door of the car, grabbing his other hand and holding them firmly behind his back. It hurt, he hissed. More than anything he was scared. He could feel a cable tie being secured around his wrists, binding them together.

He was being lifted and pushed into the lorry cab and the seat once more.

“Just because you’re such a treat, I’ll take you to this _friend_ of yours.” He said “Was he the one who told you to do this?”

The lorry started with a rumble. Lumen swallowed. What could he say?

“Come on, kid, a sweetheart like you don’t come up with that bullshit on your own. Why did you want to kill me?”

“I’m all alone- they said I could join the Vipers if I just... “

“Uh-huh.” The man huffed “Kids these days, gangs are such a drag.” It had gotten dark; it made it all way scarier. He couldn’t escape from here- even if he’d manage to break loose.

“It really wasn’t personal- they just told me to grab a lorry...”

The man’s face what lit up by the blue light of a phone display, they had slowed down, being all alone on the road.

“What- what are you doing?!” Lumen exclaimed, realising which phone it was.

“Telling your friend that you’re on your way, don’t worry.” He said, putting it back down, probably fully aware Lumen couldn’t reach it. “I _did_ tell you I’d take you to him, I’m a man of my word.”

Although it sounded promising Lumen couldn’t help but feel worried about it. Being tied up in a stranger’s lorry didn’t help, he had tried to kill him. Lumen should be dead in the ditch by now.

He sat there, quietly panicking. Landon had put the radio on. It was bizarre, was the last song he’d ever hear really going to be _Toxic_ by Britney Spears?

 _I’m taking you to your friend_ , perhaps he’d be forgiven by the man? Perhaps he’d known he’d be punished enough by failing to fulfil his mission?

“I’m sorry” he said “For what it’s worth.”

“It’s okay, kid.” He said. Whether he meant it or not, however, was a different question.

 


	3. Sierra

They hadn’t spoken during the final hour of driving towards the town, he had seen the display of his phone light up but Ives had paid it no more attention than a brief glance. Lumen hadn’t dared to ask any questions.

The only indication that they had reached it was the lights suddenly appearing, Lumen managed to roll over onto his back, blue lights, green lights, warm yellow and popping red rolled over him, blinding him. He looked up at his capturer, he had been quiet too, quiet and stone-faced. If anything he had occasionally been looking thoughtful.

He was making turns every now and then before finally stopping after about fifteen minutes.

“We’re here, kid.” He said, looking down on him. “You comfortable down there?” he asked, grinning again. He didn’t sound angry, just amused. Lumen blinked a few times before being helped up so that he could get a proper look out the windows. They were at some kind of parking lot behind what looked like a large abandoned factory.

“He’s late.” Ives said, looking out the windows. Thinking about it, Tony probably wouldn’t be able to see him properly through the glass, not when it was this dark. Landon had parked in the dark shade of the huge brick building.

“Is that him?” he asked, nodding towards his side of the cab. A large silhouette of a man, round and knock-knees walking towards the lorry.

“that’s him” Lumen breathed, feeling hopeful. “thank you- I’m so, so sorry-“ he stopped himself, Tony wasn’t far away now, Landon was slowly rolling the window down.

“There you are! That took you some fucking ti-“

“NO!” Lumen cried hoarsely, Ives had been quick, and this time there was a _BANG_.

He laughed as he rolled the window back up.

“You fucking _bastard!”_ Lumen screamed, shocked, scared- he kicked and fought the ties, all for nought. The plastic just cut his skin and the man.

“Now, _that’s_ how it’s done, kid!” he said, loudly to drown out Lumen’s protests and curses. “That’s my _fifteenth_. I had reserved that number for you, shame.”

Lumen shouldn’t be shocked. Yet he was. So this man had planned on killing _him_?!

“You’re just as bad!” he cried. “How can you-“

“Oh, no, no, baby, now you’re just hard on yourself.” He chuckled, shaking his head, smiling at him “I’m _far_ worse than you, sweetie.” He patted his head “But you’re good fun, and just too pretty to waste right away. I might keep you alive for a little while. The road can be a lonely place, after all.” Lumen was sobbing, he was scared and too much of a cry baby to stop the tears. “Now, you wanna live or not?” Ives asked “I’ve got some simple rules; You don’t run, you don’t scream.” He said “simple, yeah? Or I will find you and I _won’t_ be very nice.”

What could he do? All he knew now was to survive. So he nodded, tears still rolling down his cheeks.

They had reached a motel on the other side of town, just by the outskirts.

“You wait here.” He had opened the door. “Remember what I said.” He gave him a final look before closing the door, the locks clicking once he was out.

Lumen tried to focus on his breathing, inhaling through his nose – exhaling through his mouth. This wasn’t happening. Tony was dead. He was being kidnapped, wasn’t he? This was the definition of a kidnapping.

He had tried to murder him. Ives had played him all along. _Fifteenth_.

Fifteenth victim? Lumen was being kidnapped by a bloody serial killer! He didn’t know how long the man was gone for, five minutes? Ten? Did it matter? He was sitting up, but with his hands tied he couldn’t unlock and open the door, and even if he could- he’d lose his balance getting out, probably fall and perhaps not getting up again. What if Ives caught him? He’d be doomed for real.

He didn’t know if he was being brave or a coward staying put, but as Ives suddenly returned he couldn’t do more than believe he had done the right thing this time. He wouldn’t have gotten far by now, had he made a run for it.

The night air was cool and fresh, his head felt light and dizzy nevertheless, clearly shocked. Ives just seemed so provokingly calm, leading him up the stairs, no need to enter the reception area. The whole place looked dodgy enough; he’d not find any help around here, of that he was painfully certain.

“206” Ives said as he stopped in front of a door, comparing the number on the door to the one of the key he had received. The 0 was missing, but the key still fit, confirming it had either just been stolen or simply fallen victim to neglect and time passed.

It was like in the movies – thick, old TV and a bed which hardly felt safe from a hygiene perspective.

  He was being half-pushed half-dragged towards the bed. Panic started to rise again, as if he had forgotten the danger before.

“What are you going to do?!” he asked, his voice almost cracking. The man stopped and looked at him. “Was this where you wanted to take me to begin with?”

“Here? Oh, no, the other motel is _way_ better, but you wanted to go here and _then_ ” he made a pause “ _then_ you tried to kill me!” he was laughing again, as if it had made him think of a funny joke.

“Perhaps that was lucky for you, you see- before that little stunt, me keeping you alive all depended on whether I could get you in bed and how good you’d be.” Lumen’s eyes widened. Why was he the one getting surprised all the time? Ives rarely did. It was as if he had seen it all before.

“Y-you were going to ra-“

“No.” The man interrupted him firmly. “I don’t do that shit. _Ever_.” His voice was stern and his look sharp “But that doesn’t mean I can’t be smooth and charming enough to get me some fun” he winked and smiled, having Lumen slowly sit down on the bed and crouched down before him.

“I’m _not_ sleeping with you! You old perverted bastard!” his lack of self control was probably what would finally get him killed.

The man just laughed, grinning widely “Oh, you’re _perfect!”_ he patted his cheek “Fine, kid, let’s have it your way.”

“When will you kill me?!” Lumen spat.

“Are you in a hurry? When you’re not entertaining me anymore, Scheherazade.”

 _Scheherazade_ , right... One thousand and one nights. Was this what he’d have to do? Keep the man entertained for as long as possible, until Ives would give up and marry him like in the tale? No, this time it probably wouldn’t be about nights, but perhaps he could survive long enough to either flee or simply be released. Ives himself hadn’t stated it, but it was some kind of plan. Perhaps he could make him change his mind?

“Where are we going?” Lumen asked, squirming back until he could lie flat on the bed.

“North” the man had pulled his shirt off. Lumen kept his gaze on the ceiling rather than the tattooed, somewhat hairy torso. Damned be the gods for making the dangerous men handsome.

“possibly Canada.”

“ _Possibly_?!” Lumen asked, his brow furrowed. The bed creaked slightly as the man sat down at the very end, taking his boots off.

“Seems like a nice enough place, I feel like going there. With a bit of luck I might take you to Nova Scotia, that should cheer your grumpy face up a bit. I know it’s a God damn cliché, but you _should_ smile more.” He looked down on him, patting his leg “I suppose it aint easy with your hands being tied and all, if you’re good I’ll give you some more freedom, yeah? Roll over, better make sure those hands are still okay.”

 _Roll over_ \- as if- oh, well. He did. And he shouldn’t be surprised at all.

“Pardon my fucking French but _that ass_. Holy shit..!” he could feel the strong hand trace his arm down to his wrists “That must hurt like hell, you really gotta stop trying to break free. Trying to run will only make it worse, I made that clear, didn’t I?”

He could feel a sharp pain as the tie was being tugged, digging into his sore skin before being removed. He still couldn’t contain that hiss through his clenched teeth.

“Poor baby.” Ives said, petting the back of his head. “I still can’t trust you enough to let you be without them, I hope you understand. Trying to pull that gun on me and all-“ he shook his head “Perhaps it saved your life- honestly, I’m pretty sure I did deserve to get killed.” He just sounded so casual, slipping off the bed walking over to his bag. It was also something about how he turned his back, as if he knew Lumen wouldn’t do anything. It didn’t have anything to do with trust. Hell knew Ives had no reason to trust him, but the confidence.

“That’s just what I do. I cheat.” He said “At life, at death-“ he laughed.

“At love?” Lumen asked. The man got silent.

“Love gets you killed, darling.” He simply said, picking up a pair of handcuffs. “As does trying to run from me.” He suddenly seemed to joke it off “You gonna sleep with shirt on or off?”

The room was warm, and although he didn’t feel too comfortable stripping down in front of this stranger, he did pull his shirt off, painfully aware that his kidnapper did nothing to hide his interest.

“Have you got a boyfriend?” he asked “Or do you just fuck around?” then, after humming mock-thoughtfully “Ever been with a _real_ man? Or just kids such as yourself?”

He could feel his face turn red, but it wasn’t of embarrassment as much as annoyance “Sod off, you perverted bastard!” he exclaimed. The man just laughed.

“You’re a fierce one” he chuckled fondly, quickly securing one of the cuffs around his wrist, then the other one. “I like that. Still-“ he pushed him – not hard, but enough – back onto the bed. “I asked you a question- no, I asked _two_ questions.”

Lumen had to think for a few seconds to remember what he had asked, then simply sighed and said “I haven’t got a boyfriend, but I don’t really sleep around any longer either.” He admitted.

“How come?”

“I’ve answered!” Lumen protested. “You can’t just add _more_ questions!”

“Wrong and wrong, baby. You answered one questions out of two – out of _three_ now.” He was sitting down, rather close. Yet he didn’t touch him inappropriately. He’d have to give him that, at least.

“I’ve been with both.” He said “But only with an older man once. He had a wife, though, he ended up choosing her.” He couldn’t blame him, still, at the time it had hurt like hell. Now that he was older he realised that a married man hooking up with a 17 year old lad wasn’t really sensible, even if he had been in the age of consent and hadn’t been forced nor tricked or manipulated, it was a bit odd.

“I could only find unserious older men looking for a side dish and I’m fed up with guys my age. That’s why I just don’t sleep around anymore. I kinda want a boyfriend, you know?” _you know_ , as if they were discussing. Or talking like friends.

“I see.” The man said “I’m sure you could find some proper man, though. You’re gorgeous, princess.”

He was flattered – but then reality struck.

“What does it matter now?” he asked “You’re going to kill me.” Had he forgotten it himself?

“I am.” He just said “Doesn’t mean we can’t talk ‘til then. Being kidnapped by a serial killer doesn’t necessarily have to be _that_ bad, right?”

Lumen couldn’t tell whether he was joking or not. It sounded like a damn joke.

“I’m sorry, but this is literally the worst place for me to be right now. Right?” he shook his head.

“Don’t say that-“ the man looked around “Where’s my beer anyway?” he stood up, walking towards the bag once more. “You want one? You even drink? Hell, you’re a damn minor!” he paused to think “What does it matter now, you want one or not?” he brought two cans of what seemed to be lukewarm beer over. Lumen would have to use both hands, and Ives had to open it for him. “Where were we? Oh, right. Yeah- by now they’ve probably found that Tony guy, and you’re probably the main suspect so, you know, either you hang out with me or they kill you – or worse.” He said “Did you know Vipers do trafficking? I’m not the only man in the world fancying a taste of that ass.”

He hadn’t been thinking about _that_ a lot- he had known they did dodgy things, perhaps the man had a point. Lumen could have been naive, thinking that being friends with Tony would keep him safe from that business. Tony was just an ordinary member.

He drank his beer, trying to pretend the situation was different. He failed, but the beer tasted good enough. He should be crying, he should be in his hysterics – he was going to die, to be killed. Murdered. Forgotten.

“Ives...” he said, quietly “Could... could you let the police know the location of my body somehow?” he asked. “I just think about auntie Lydia..” the beer can was empty, he had put it down on the floor before curling up on the bed, back turned to the man who had done the same. 

“Mm?” Ives hummed “Don’t worry about that, now.” He yawned. “And you can call me Landon.”

“Please, she means the world to me-“ his voice was cracking. _I don’t want to die._

“Sleep now, kid. We’ve got a long way ahead of us tomorrow. Hey- we might pass by a diner with the best burgers in the state. Might even buy you one.”


	4. America

He woke up the following morning with a headache, full bladder and the feeling of being downright filthy. The room was humid and the sheer layer of sweat and road dust from yesterday felt sticky. He looked around – his hands were still cuffed together in front of him, way more comfortable than behind his back. And Landon... well, he was still asleep.

He _really_ needed a shower and a piss. Especially the latter.

“Landon?” he tried, clearing his throat. Nothing. He tried to reach out and poked him. A tiny gruff.

“Landon?” he tried once more, kicking him, not too hard, but enough to wake him up.

“M-yeah?” he mumbled, lifting his head.

“I really gotta pee.” Lumen said “And shower too.” He squirmed out of bed slowly, managing to maintain his balance as he stood up.

“Right” Landon stood up, fishing inside his pocket. “I’ll unlock these, you know the rules.”

Lumen nodded, he had no real intention of escaping, right now he just _desperately_ needed to pee. Nothing more than that.

He had his shower, the water was cold and although it wasn’t necessarily pleasant, it was refreshing. After all, back home in Scotland their hot water had been limited, what people called the _Ice bucket challenge_ a while ago was essentially what Lumen would call _Post-shampoo pre-conditioner_ at home. He turned his face at the shower head; let the cold water cool down that burning sensation behind his eyes.

There was a towel to borrow, he wrapped it around his hips and picked up his clothes. He’d better get changed, the jeans were dusty and the shirt could do with a wash.

Landon had already gotten dressed in the meantime, looking painfully good with a damn sleeveless shirt which Lumen still refused to call a wife beater. It was something about those arms, scruffy look and just overall appearance that made it work.

“Probably gonna get hot tod-“ the man started, but interrupted himself as he turned around to face him “Correction; it _is_ hot as hell today!” Lumen just gave him a look and rolled his eyes. He couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if they had met during more normal circumstances, like at a bar or a club. Lumen would probably be all over him.

“Right, get yourself ready, we’re leaving in ten.” Landon ended up saying, heading for the bathroom. As soon as Lumen could hear the lock turn he got dressed as quickly as possible, packing his stuff.

He understood he couldn’t run, if he did, where would he go? The Vipers could find him, and he couldn’t go to the police, right? What if they were looking too? Landon could just give them the gun and they’d find Lumen’s DNA on it. Then he’d be massively screwed. No, he must be smart. Be Scheherazade even if it had sounded like a joke. Yet... he wasn’t known to be a good actor. Pretending to like Landon wouldn’t work out, he’d probably see through that anyway and it could possibly make things worse.

 Landon returned after a few minutes, smelling of deodorant and toothpaste. “All set?” he asked “Let’s get out of this shithole.” He had expected the cuffs again, but they were just going to the lorry, and people would see them. It was a relief – his skin was sore and red, and he had even gotten a few painful blisters from the friction.

It wasn’t past ten, yet the sun stood high on the sky and the heat was merciless, as soon as Lumen had climbed back into the prison which was the cab Landon immediately turned on the AC and rolled down the windows. “It’ll get better any minute” he promised before Lumen had even opened his mouth. “We’ll stop for brunch in a while, there’s a store nearby the place.”

Lumen just hummed, he made it sound like a pleasant road trip. He just looked out the window.

“What’s the matter, kiddo?” he asked. _What’s the matter_ \- what wasn’t the matter? Still... hell, why did it all feel so damn _fine_ and _normal_?! He should still be freaking out.

“Lemme have a look at those wrists.” The engine was on but they hadn’t moved yet. He obediently held up his hands for Landon to gently grab and inspect. “I’m not sure but perhaps some of that aloe vera shit could help.” He shrugged “Isn’t that what it’s called?”

“Yeah” Lumen just sighed. “But if I get the cuffs on again-“

“That’s your own decision, darling.” Landon said “Can’t have you run off, you see. Even though I could make things _very_ uncomfortable for you if you did. Don’t ever convince yourself that you’re safer out there.”

“I’m not” he was biting his lip, now he felt weak. Weak and sad.

“Don’t give me reasons to believe you’re about to run off, and we’ll ditch the cuffs for now, yeah? But don’t think those puppy eyes will stop me from anything!”

  He watched the town of Sierra grow smaller as distance grew longer in the rear-view mirror. He didn’t know exactly where they were going, but did it really matter? Now he was truly alone in this country.

Landon fiddled around with the radio every now and then, and when Lumen suddenly recognised the voice from his favourite radio show – resembling a podcast more than anything – he couldn’t stop himself.

“Please-“ he said “it’s my favourite show”

Landon looked surprised, if it was because Lumen had actually said anything or the choice of radio program he couldn’t really tell.

“this?” he asked.

“I love ghost stories and urban legends...” he admitted.

“Well, sure.” Landon turned the volume up a bit.

And then it got silent. The radio was on – Greg the presenter was going on about these stories, only interrupted by some commercial breaks every now and then, but other than that, it felt quiet. Perhaps it was Lumen zoning out, he wasn’t aware in that case. He could might as well have been asleep, for when Landon’s voice suddenly broke through his daze, it was like waking up.

“First stop” he said, “you hungry?” Lumen blinked a few times, then nodded. He was, and thirsty too.

This diner wasn’t as nice, in a sorry attempt of either trying to make it appear more ‘masculine’ or just modern it was a sad mess of once-white walls, now turned slightly yellow and aluminium scratched over the years. There was a pin-ball game in the corner and the stereos were blasting some rather rubbish country music. He wasn’t a hater, but the hillbilly level of the singer’s voice was just too damn high.

They walked up to the counter, Landon spoke shamelessly loud, commenting the menu.

“Don’t bother with anything but the burgers, darling, it’s all disappointing.” Lumen felt like a child with an embarrassingly inappropriate father.

“Landon!” he hissed under his breath “don’t say such things!” the man stopped and raised an eyebrow, leering down at him – then he chuckled and put his arm around his shoulders. Lumen didn’t even bother to shrug it off.

Landon was the one to place the order, in the end – and paying it too. Lumen hadn’t even had a chance to reach for his wallet.

Once they were back in the cab after a visit at the next door gas station’s store where Lumen once again had had Landon insisting on paying for his drink and treats as well as some aloe vera-based burn gel for his sore wrists, he felt better. Even his kidnapper seemed rather at ease.

“Landon...” he started “Why... why do you do what you do?” _why do you kill people?_ Sounded... well, harsh. Which was ironic, in a way.

“Turns me on.” He shrugged “I don’t know, kid. But it feels good. Sex only gives me half of that satisfaction.” He shook his head “Look, kid, if you wish to reach out to me and find that there’s still some kind of humanity left in me, you’ll be disappointed.” Lumen didn’t believe him, but he didn’t say it.

“People die all the time anyway. You might just as well get run over by a drunk driver walking down the street.” He looked over “It’s not _personal_ against you, darling. You’re just, in the end, another person.”

He didn’t know why it didn’t comfort him as much as it should. Would he rather have heard that he wanted him specifically dead?

“Have you always been like this?” he had to ask “Have you always felt like this?”

“Ever heard of the saying _Curiosity killed the cat_?”

“ _But satisfaction brought it back_ ” Lumen finished, earning himself a short laughter from Landon.

“You won’t find any satisfaction in my answers, little angel. But no, I wasn’t always like this. Enough of that, now.” And with that the conversation was over.

The skies were getting darker, clouds gathering over the horizon, they had driven all day, not stopping for more than fuel and bathroom breaks.

“I hope it rains” Lumen hummed quietly, mostly to himself.

“Huh?” Landon looked over “You do?”

“M-hm” he didn’t look away from the window “I like rain. It doesn’t feel like the rain at home, but it’s still something. I enjoy listening to it while in bed.” He knew Landon was stealing glances, but why he didn’t know.

They finally reached another motel and the diner Landon had mentioned earlier, the one with the great burgers. Apparently the woman behind the counter knew Landon, as she greeted him like a friend or at least an acquaintance.

“Lumen, this is Rosa-Lynn, Lynn, this is Lumen.” He said “a friend of mine, I’m giving him a ride, though I obviously need to introduce him to your burgers.”

Landon hadn’t been wrong, the lunch burger was nothing compared to this – rich, tender meat and plenty of melted cheese, pickled onion and fresh, crispy salad. The way Landon insisted on paying was strange, yet... perhaps he intended to take Lumen’s money once he was... well, _done_. Lumen pushed the thought aside. _Not now._ Raindrops had started to fall, some men wanted to talk to Landon.

“Why don’t you head off to the motel? I’ll be with you in a second.” Landon seemed in need of some privacy, the men looking at him impatiently.

He stood up, grabbed his bag and headed out. The air was heavy and raindrops had already started to fall against the light asphalt, the dark, wet spots multiplying as he hurried towards the entrance of the road motel.

The lobby hadn’t been updated since the seventies, at least it looked – and smelled – that way, the carpeted floor reeking of old tobacco.

“Hello” he said, nervously approaching the counter. “Uh, I’m waiting for-“ for his what? friend? Perhaps that would be suspicious. Still, it would be better than Lumen accidently spat out “uh, I’m waiting for my dad, he should be here any minute. Have you got any rooms?”

 

“You _seriously_ told him I’m your dad?!” Landon was laughing “Kid- you’re a fair, blonde and green eyed fairy with a Scottish accent claiming that _this_ motherfucker is your dad!” he shook his head “That explains why I got that judgemental look from that guy”

“What?” Lumen asked “What look?” sure- Landon didn’t have _a_ point, more like _ten_ of them. But a judgemental look? That was more than he had been aware of.

“Oh, he definitely thinks I’m your _daddy_ alright” he winked “I’m very flattered, princess.”

It took him a few seconds to really process what Landon just had said, but once he had, his face turned scarlet.

“I’m not-“ he started “ _You’re_ not!” he protested. He walked over to sit cross-legged on the bed.

“You keep turning me on, besides, you’ve got _daddy issues_ written across your face.” Landon was smiling dangerously again, why did he come out so charming? Landon should be ugly, disgusting and seen as a monster.

 _He wants you dead_.

He should be terrified, yet he was curious. Curious about Landon, so fascinated he forgot to be scared.

 _Curiosity killed the cat_ , Landon had said. Lumen was curious of the man, and Landon was indeed going to kill him.

How poetic, in a way.

This motel was way better, just like a cheap hotel. The room was cleaner and there was an AC keeping it nice and cool. Landon was putting cans of beers into the empty mini fridge.

“Do the people usually know they’re about to get murdered?” Lumen asked “I... or is it by surprise?”

Landon sighed but didn’t turn around until he was done filling the fridge.

“You’re really going to keep bringing it up, aren’t you?”

“Wouldn’t you?” he asked.

“It depends, okay?” Depended on what? Lumen had to ask, had to know. It didn’t matter if he was trading his own time for the answers, what did it matter in the end?

“On what? And who do you target? Is it... I mean, is it people like me? Girls? Gays?”

“Anyone.” He said “I don’t discriminate. Perhaps... well, I know who I prefer to get in my cab, to put it that way.” He grabbed himself a beer and one for Lumen too, bringing them over to the bed. “Fine. Let’s talk, then. But I don’t like it.” He cracked the can open, Lumen did the same. “I said it before, kid, it’s nothing personal.” He said “I don’t give a fuck if you’re pretty or ugly as fuck, or whether you’re a guy or girl or anything in between or both.” He shrugged and had a sip. “Finally a good fucking beer.” Lumen didn’t know whether he was trying to change the subject or not, he wouldn’t, however. He was just about to speak, but Landon was quicker, much to his surprise.

“You fascinate me, darling.” He said “You haven’t freaked out this far. That’s pretty impressive. I mean, sure, you didn’t seem too happy when I shot that friend of yours, but other than that...” he had another mouthful of booze. “... I’m impressed.”

“Would you rather have me on my knees begging?” Lumen asked. He couldn’t guarantee it wouldn’t come to that.

“Yes” Landon said “Definitely- but perhaps not for the reasons you think of.” He wiggled his eyebrows, having Lumen roll his eyes in response. “Drink!” the man said encouragingly “There’s plenty of beer.”

“Are you trying to get me drunk, _daddy_?” Lumen joked.

“No, but you’re definitely trying to get me hard, aren’t you?” he reached out, they were sitting rather close, Lumen could see his hand out of the corner of his eye, reaching closer, brushing a strand of golden hair off his face and securing it gently behind his ear.

His heart had sunken deep into his gut, was this it? Was he finally committing to the role of the mouse in this game? To be toyed around with before meeting his fate?

He didn’t want to die. He needed the comfort, craved it. It was as close to humanity he could get – and as close to death. He leaned into his touch and read a quiet prayer inside his head. _Please, don’t let it hurt. Let Lydia find peace._

The large fingers caressed his face, tracing his jaw and cheekbone. He closed his eyes and moved closer, Landon’s arm wrapped around him, holding him whilst he kept touching his face with a surprisingly delicate touch. There was something magnetic in Landon’s dark eyes- like a black hole, dragging him in. He wanted this- _this_ , among many things. He needed it too, just some humanity, something to confirm he wasn’t all alone, lost in space. His hand reached up to his chest, carefully, afraid of getting caught.

There were heartbeats, and just as their lips made contact the room lit up as a lightning bolt cut sliced through the black clouds like a knife, followed by a deep rumble. He tilted his head slightly, licking his lips and failed to hold back a tiny gasp as Landon responded by deepening the kiss with a sharp inhale, pulling Lumen closer. He couldn’t remember the last time had made out like this, just kissing without the intention of going _all the way_.

Slowly, without breaking contact, they laid down on their sides, facing each other, whilst the rain fell furiously outside the windows, smattering against the glass accompanied by a howling wind, only dominated by the thunder.

Why couldn’t it just remain like this? The way he held him, sheltering him from the reality, and the way he kissed him so passionately yet ever so gently. The rain had made it to the inside; tears rolling down his cheeks. As Landon noticed it he broke apart, kissing his forehead.

“I’m scared” he whispered. Landon was caressing his cheek, wiping the tears with his thumb.

“I know” he murmured back with that deep voice.

He felt drowsy, perhaps it was the rain, perhaps it was the temporary lack of loneliness, but when Landon gently tucked him in, he suddenly, for once, felt safe.

He had almost drifted off completely when Landon returned from the bathroom, stripped down to his underwear only. Lumen couldn’t see it, but as he joined him in bed and Lumen curled up close, he could feel his bare skin against him.

“Good night, Landon” he said inaudibly, getting no response but the warm breath against his shoulder.


	5. Mykonos

It hardly felt like morning, the skies were dark and grey still, but Landon was up and about, talking on the phone with somebody. He didn’t sound too happy. Eavesdropping was useless, Landon might just as well speak in Greek. Instead Lumen simply curled up and watched, the man was pacing and swearing, gesticulating and frowning.

“Who was it?” Lumen asked carefully once he had hung up.

“That?” Landon asked “Oh, just my best friend. As soon as he hears about some murder he’ll call and check on me. He’s not a fan of my lifestyle.” So Landon _did_ have friends? And apparently not just like him, but then what..? Landon seemed to read his mind.

“He’s been experimenting a bit when he was younger, he’s a teacher now.” He said “Philosophy. He’d like you, you’d probably like him too.”

“I wish I could meet him” Lumen said, falling back onto the bed, hugging the pillow. “Can’t we just stay in bed? The weather is _so_ nice” Landon looked surprised, his eyebrows raised as much as physically possible and his eyes wide. He didn’t know what had surprised him the most, but he couldn’t help but giggle. “What’s that face?” he asked “I know we’ll have to get going”

“We do” Landon sighed “Though, you made it all more difficult... _would_ you have liked to stay in bed all day?” he sat down on the edge of it. “You can’t possibly enjoy spending time with me.”

“You’re the one who told me to try and have a good time!” Lumen furrowed his brow “I did enjoy last night.” He’d have to admit that. He had trusted Landon last night, felt for him too. Felt his heartbeat, tasted his lips.

“Huh” Landon said “You could just be lying.”

“Had I been willing to do _anything_ I would’ve spread my legs the very moment you asked me to.” Lumen huffed “I’m quite sure it won’t do any difference what I do by now, you see. I might just as well be myself, do my thing.”

There was an unsettling silence, but when Landon finally said “You are one fascinating son of a bitch, you know that, right?” Lumen just looked at him as he spoke “But not a liar.”

“Well, anyway, cheer up.” Landon corrected his junk just shamelessly visible through the boxer fabric “Next stop is Arwich, hookers are pricey but they do their work well enough, my balls are getting abnormally huge and you’re no help.”

“I know, I’ve had it pushing against my arse half night.” Lumen rolled his eyes.

“Don’t act as if you didn’t rub that ass against it, you sadistic little fuck.”  Lumen wasn’t a liar, but he wasn’t stupid either – he’d _not_ admit that. Even though he embarrassingly enough could plead guilty. He used his unexpressed and highly unofficial right to remain silent.

Lumen had needs too, but he wasn’t going to sleep with the man who’d later kill him... right? Truth to be told; he started to want to. Perhaps Landon would let him live, after all?

Why did the thought of Landon with a prostitute hit him like a sledgehammer in the chest? It didn’t even have to be with a prostitute... hell, why did it even matter?! Lumen shouldn’t be able to care less about it, especially not when he, himself, was just another victim. How did he want Landon to think of him anyway? As that guy he murdered who just happened to matter a wee bit more than the others? Lumen would be gone nevertheless. Whatever Landon thought of him, it wouldn’t mean a thing to him. Nothing would. Nothing would _be_.

He got dressed, feeling even worse about leaving the motel now.

He didn’t mind the long days in the cab, not that much at least- drifting off and waking up in a completely different surrounding could be rather exciting, and they listened to the radio all the time.

Just something about Arwich... no, he couldn’t be jealous. It must be something else. Fear? Yes, fear. Because Landon was a murderer and perhaps he’d murder him in Arwich.

He didn’t fully believe it himself, although he really couldn’t claim to know Landon or his ways, but it was better than the alternative.

Lumen wasn’t jealous. Not of his murderer shagging some prostitute.

He should be grateful Landon would bother somebody else.

He wasn’t.

 

“What’s the matter?” Landon asked with a deep sigh, they had left the town about two hours ago and the conversation had been dead all the time, even though Landon had searched eye contact as he had changed radio stations, seemingly trying to find out what Lumen fancied listening to.

“Nothing” he said, because what _could_ he say?

“Don’t be such a girl, princess.” Landon groaned “You seriously gonna sit there with that grumpy frown and not tell me?” Lumen was silent.

“Fine. Is this about me being a murderer again?” What was Lumen even going to say about that? How could Landon just talk about it so damn casually? He wasn’t the one getting murdered.

Although it hurt when he reminded him, but that still didn’t bother him as much as the jealousy tugging inside his stomach. He should be worried about that. Did it really matter more to him than his own life?

Perhaps not. He closed his eyes and cuddled up on the seat, flinching at he felt Landon’s hand on his shoulder. “Cheer up, kid.” A light squeeze “You’re making _me_ nervous.”

He didn’t say anything, and he didn’t cheer up either.

It felt like routine already; they’d drive for hours, have a lunch break, then drive until they either stopped for something along the way, such as petrol or food, and then find a motel and a diner. This time it was actually a hotel, although it was cheap and worn, way past its palmy days. It had a bar, however, and a restaurant, and it seemed crowded enough. Lumen was used to being the youngest, but not with this kind of gap, most of them seemed to be in Landon’s age or older. They had their meal, mediocre but still nice, being something else than greasy burgers. Lumen never thought he’d get sick and tired of them so quickly.

 

It was past eleven, the bar was packed with people and nobody bothered to check his ID and Landon insisted on paying his drinks. It did go on like that- people were friendly enough, chatting him up and talking rubbish. He got some suggesting looks, but if Landon was around he’d quickly put his arm around him and he’d be left alone. He had started to relax a bit, enjoy his drinks and the company. Up until half past one when Landon’s attention suddenly fixed on something else – no, _someone_.

 _Her_. Lumen saw her, he wished he hadn’t. She looked like a stereotype, and he judged himself for thinking that way. A woman, Landon’s age, dressing like a teenager with grossly pink lipstick and a leopard print dress, her skin was probably aged by more than years gone by and too many cigarettes. Was Landon _seriously_ \- yes, he was putting his arm around her, and she kissed his cheek.

It _hurt_.

Landon’s brow eyes met Lumen’s across the floor. He wasn’t aware of how dark his own eyes had gotten, fury, hate- pain. Landon was, as his own eyebrows went up. Lumen knocked the beer, almost choking on it as he did. Fucking hell.

He hated her, he hated her guts. She was a disgusting woman.

Not for making her living in a way where she most likely was the victim of a terrible system, but for being near _him_.

He stood up, he had to get out. He had to get out _now_.

Landon made his way through the crowd, grabbing his shoulder. Lumen shrugged it off, furiously.

“You are _not_ bringing that thing into the room!” he snarled.

“That _thing_?!” Landon looked surprised, eyes wide, then he looked angry. “Wow, out of all the things- judgemental was the least-“

“ _Fuck off_ ” he hissed “I don’t give a shit about what she does for the living, she can be a rock star and you still don’t bring her into our fucking room!” he shrugged Landon’s hand off.

“You’ve got no say, darling.” Landon said, something had sparked in his eyes- Lumen couldn’t tell what. “I can fuck her all over the room- hell, I can even make you watch. Don’t come here thinking you can just act like-“ _slap_. It was Lumen’s palm making contact with the side of his face, slapping him hard.

Landon grabbed him by the hair, dragging him out of the room.

He struggled at first, but it hurt too much. There was nobody around to witness it, nobody in the dark corridors. He tried to kick, to fight, furiously. Desperately. Perhaps this was truly it.

They got to their room, he was pushed up against the wall right by the door.

“What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?!” Landon asked. Tears were running down Lumen’s face. Frustration. Pain. Fear? Not so much. Perhaps a bit. He didn’t think too much about it. If Landon was going to kill him, this was probably it.

“Out of all the things you’ve heard, the things I’ve done- _now_ you’re breaking down?!” Landon asked. “Tell me what you feel, kid, because you’ve been a fucking mystery all day.”

He didn’t want to admit. No- never. Not ever. He tried to turn his face away, but Landon grabbed his chin, forcing him to face him.

“Tell me.” He said “And I might forgive you.” He didn’t sound mad, just incredibly firm. Serious. He could be angrier, definitely. Perhaps there was a hint of annoyance... still.

“Jealous.” He whispered, tears now running freely down his cheeks, he sniffed as quietly as he could.

 _“Jealous?!”_ he asked, sounding surprised. “Jealous of- fuck, are you fucking kidding me?!”

He just shook his head, Landon was right about one thing – about all the things Lumen could’ve broken down about, this was what had him bawling his eyes out. But to say this was the _only_ reason was wrong. He was scared, he had seen Tony get shot right before his eyes, he had been promised his own death, and along the way, he had realised that the man he had finally fallen for was his executioner. A man who had finally been good to him, they had even cuddled and he had called him _pretty_ and _cute_ and... Lumen had fallen for it.

The man just sighed deeply, pulling him into his arm.

“You’re one hell of a mess.” He patted his back gently and didn’t let go until Lumen took a step back, wiping the tears with the back of his hand.

“It’s not that I think she’s prettier than you or anything” Landon said “It’s just that daddy got some needs, you see? And well, if my princess isn’t going to help-“ he spoke pedagogically, like a teacher or father. Lumen just pouted a bit, knowing he was right. Lumen _had_ turned him down.

“I _do_ want to help!” he heard and felt the words leave him “I just... didn’t want to...” he shook his head “I didn’t want to admit it.”

Landon gave him a long look. “You don’t have to, kid.”

Yet Lumen could sense it, it was in the air already-

“But I want to.” He said, it was tense. It felt good. Finally the reality and his mind were at the same places. Finally he could stick to the truth.

“I’m not your vanilla kind of guy, sweetheart. I mean- I _can_ , but-“

“Well, I sure hope you don’t.” He was challenging him now. “I can take it.”

The pupils were dilating, Lumen could see it, a hunger- Landon was licking his lower lip, was he turning into the big bad wolf right in front of him?

“I’ll give you a chance, since I like you.” He said “From now on, a _no_ isn’t a _no_. I don’t care if you squirm, I don’t care if you try to fight me off- it’s _red_ and _yellow_ now, okay? Used on its own, not in a sentence.” he said “Do you know how they work?” Lumen just nodded. “Good boy”

For being a murderer, giving him the chance to break or stop a sexual act was rather generous of him.

“Tap anything if you can’t speak. Repeatedly. I’m about to fill that lovely little mouth of yours, you see. On your knees, princess. _Now_.” He did as he was told, looking up, expectantly. He wasn’t a damn virgin, he knew what was going to happen. It was confirmed the moment Landon pulled his zipper down, then tugged his jeans along with his boxers down, unleashing what Lumen could have called a damn monster. It was already leaking a few drops of pre-cum, Landon ran his thumb over it, spreading it over the head before using the same thumb to stroke Lumen’s lips, having him suckle it for a moment, taking in the salty flavour.

His eyes started to tear up again, he had never been great at relaxing his throat enough to let it run smoothly and it quickly got loud as he gagged over and over and slimy with saliva. Landon seemed pleased but impatient; he reached down to grab his hair, moving his head as he thrusted and more than less exploded into his face, letting out several days’ worth of salty cum.

Lumen could just swallow as much as he could, letting the rest run down his chin and cheeks.   

“Stand.” Landon said, taking a step back. “Was this what you wanted?” he cupped his cheek, wiping some of the white liquid off his cheek. All he could do was to nod, looking down. Was it? Yes- well, partly, _this_ and so much more, did he want it like this? Perhaps not entirely, but asking Landon to love him wasn’t going to happen. Landon moved closer, then licked his cheek. Lumen just froze, it felt dirty, how Landon licked his own mess off his face, he didn’t move.

“Go take a shower.” Landon gave his arse a slap “We’re off to bed.”

He did as he was told, stopping the flow from reaching his clothes with his arm, wiping off some of the fluid with the back of his hand.

The bathroom had a window, and they were on the first floor. If he’d just turn the shower on, he could squeeze through it and just make a run for it. They were in a town; he’d be given at least fifteen minutes or so before Landon would grow suspicious enough to investigate... yet, even though he gave it some thought, the whole idea didn’t catch his interest. Where would he go anyway? Besides, the urge had decreased over the days, quite the opposite of what he had expected.

Instead he just washed up as intended before heading back out. Landon was in bed already, checking something on his phone. He hadn’t been able to check his since he med Landon, he couldn’t really ask either, right? Perhaps later on... perhaps if he’d let Landon read over his shoulder. He wouldn’t really try anything- he knew too well what Landon could do to him without even touching him.

“There you are” Landon grinned “thought you’d escape through the window or something.” Was he joking? He was grinning like that again, widely yet... not necessarily with much warmth. Somehow his smile could come off as very wicked. Somehow it made Lumen feel dominated. Somehow Lumen feared it. _Somehow_ he liked it.

“Are you feeling better now?” he asked “More... relieved?”

“Oh _yes_ ” Landon chuckled “We’ve got some _fun_ ahead of us.”

 _Ahead_.

Did... Landon intend to keep him around even longer? A day? A week?


	6. Seven doors hotel

Lumen hadn’t thought of it too much as a routine, perhaps because of principles – being kidnapped shouldn’t be a routine. But they got up in the morning, drove, stopped for either breakfast, brunch or lunch. Sometime during the day they might stop for snacks, then they had dinner and checked into some motel. The only thing changed had been their attitudes – Landon had lowered his guard, Lumen had sort of relaxed too. Landon was pretty funny, he didn’t dislike him at all apart from his morals. They had even continued the snogging at night and Landon had gotten a bit more physical, insisting on spooning him. It kept him from snoring, at least.

He was odd; well, that was obvious. Sometimes he talked in his sleep, or was he fully asleep? Lumen didn’t know, it scared him a bit. Sneaking off during night got way more difficult.

“So soft” he purred, caressing his thigh one night, he could practically feel his grin against the back of his head “Such a little lady”

It had made him wonder, was he dreaming? Was he thinking about somebody else? It had happened twice, he had called him a _pretty girl_ whilst caressing his hair.

And Lumen had finally gathered courage to ask.

“Do you know you’re talking in your sleep?” they were back in the cab for the fourteenth day. The time had passed so fast, more than anything Lumen was surprised they hadn’t reached a destination yet, without his phone and with his lacking knowledge of North American geography, he couldn’t tell whether they had gone back and forth, or in circles or what else.

“What makes you think that?” Landon asked, looking over at him.

“You’re calling me a lady. And a girl.” He looked him in the eyes, Landon was looking back, but only for a second before he smirked, huffed with amusement and turned his attention back on the driving.

“Girl, boy, what does it matter? You _are_ a pretty lady. Fact that you’ve got a dick doesn’t change that.”

It was a rubbish answer, wasn’t it? Perhaps he just didn’t want to admit to talking in his sleep. It would be typically Landon. _Typically... do I know him that well already?_

The fourteenth day, a damn fortnight spent together. And Lumen didn’t feel as if he was suffering. And yet, he never stopped being cautious. Landon would tire, sooner or later. He hadn’t spoken too much about having him killed, but not about letting him go either.

“You’re never picking anything up, or dropping things off...” Lumen said thoughtfully “Yet you’re a lorry driver?”

“You’re wrong, kid. But it only proves that I’m damn good at my job.” He was grinning again, he grinned quite a lot, showing off his white teeth. A brilliant smile wasted on someone whose grin could turn so wicked.

“They do pick things up, and leave them too. Drugs, weapons- night time, when nobody can see.” He looked at the blonde “The art of profiting yet keeping your ass away from the filth.”

Lumen just rolled his eyes “...says the serial killer.”

“Hey, that’s just a hobby!” Landon said “Touché, though.”

Touché for what? Landon became less and less of a mystery to him, but some parts he’d never understand, such as killing for fun. Whenever he dared to bring it up – which was incredibly rare, Landon was quick to change the subject. He couldn’t help but wonder if it was a fetish, and in that case, if it was connected with sex. Landon had hinted he wanted to fuck him in all sorts of way. Well- _hinted_ wasn’t the right word, perhaps. More like loudly stated it. Though there hadn’t been much more than blowjobs and even some hand jobs, snogging and things like that. Never penetrative sex. He had already reasoned with himself enough to know that he wouldn’t say no if Landon asked. He had his needs and Landon was a very attractive man.

The more he thought about it, however. What if his thing was to strangle his victims to death whilst fucking them? Or just fucking their dead bodies? Like in that freaky Serbian film. He hadn’t seen the entire thing, just accidently ending up at some brutal sex scene whilst browsing a bit more _controversial_ porn content. It had turned him off quicker than he had turned _it_ off.

Would he have given Lumen stop-words in he’d kill him during sex, though? If he kept going, it would be rape, wouldn’t it? And Landon was very clear about not being one of _those_.

“You’re zoning out again.” Landon suddenly said “That murder bullshit is such a conversation killer. Just saying.” Lumen just hummed and looked out the window. Part of him thought he should just get over it, though, how could he possibly? The only way of getting over it was to convince himself it wasn’t going to happen, and how could he do that out of all things?  

“Cheer up, kiddo! We’re finally going north, I’m getting tired of the dust and sand everywhere. I’m pretty sure you’d prefer some actual forests, right?” he looked over “Might see some of those deer- I know you like them Bambi motherfuckers!” he looked at him as if Lumen was a sad kid in need of cheering up. Truth was that it actually worked. Stupidly enough. Landon surely had noticed- he was grinning again. “All we have to do is one last delivery.”

“And then what?” Lumen asked, curiously.

“Then I can go wherever the fuck I want!”

Lumen really wished he could do the same – perhaps he could plead Landon to go somewhere nice, but no matter how amazing, it wouldn’t be where he really wanted to be; _home_.

He reached over to grab Landon’s leather jacket, it had become his thing now – curling up against the soft satin lining, not even bothered by the scent of Landon and cigarettes. He had let him use it a few times, if it had been raining he had even more than less forced him to wear it as he’d rather not have Lumen, in his own words, _dying from pneumonia_. As if Lumen – a Scotsman – would die from a bit of rain. Once he had pointed it out Landon had just sighed and said _Fine, you look hella cute in that jacket, now shut up about it._ He had shut up. It was heavy and worn, still in a good condition, though. Way oversized for Lumen, of course. Now he’d even use it as a blanket in the cab when the air conditioner got a bit too effective.

His _somewhat_ well behaviour had earned him a few perks – he was sometimes allowed to enter the stores or restaurants on his own, and he could usually wander around the motels pretty freely. At one point he had even been allowed to send a little birthday present to Lydia, although Landon had controlled the letter carefully before allowing him to send it, even paying the postage, giving him a great big hug without a word once Lumen broke down in tears. It was better that way, with silence. What else could he say? That he was sorry he was the reason Lumen would never see her again? And yet... Lumen had been in need of the embrace. He could not explain it, there were now many things he couldn’t explain. Such as why he hadn’t broken Landon’s trust this far.

 

Their motel was just like any other motel, and this night seemed just like any others. The night was chilly but clear, the bar was half-full, Lumen had sunken down in one of the leather sofas with his lager and lime drink, the glass leaving wet circles on the worn oak table.

“I’m just going back to the room.” Landon had risen, knocking back his glass of Jack “Gotta make a few phone calls.” He didn’t seem too pleased about that. Lumen couldn’t blame him, apparently it was often customers and Landon had voiced how fed up he was frequently the last week.

Sitting there was pleasant enough, some old men were playing dart, the crappy speakers were blasting some old country hits.

He was so absent minded that he didn’t even notice the man approaching until he had pulled out a chair and sat down in front of him.

“Hey,” Lumen flinched and looked up. He was tall, but not as tall as Landon, his face skinny and his straw-like hair reached down to his shoulders. “You must be Lumen, right?” How did he know his name? Perhaps he was one of Landon’s friends. Though, he hadn’t said he knew anyone around, usually he did, as he appreciated meeting up with the very few friends he seemed to have. He wasn’t even sure if they were really friends as much as occasional drinking company.

“I’m Mark.” He held out a bony, it felt slightly cool, possibly from cigarettes. “I’m one of the Vipers.”

He could feel his blood freeze, eyes darting towards the door which through Landon had headed.

“Don’t worry, lil Angel, when we found out about Tony we thought something must have happened to you. Quite stupid, sending out a pretty youngster such as yourself on such a task. We’d normally not do that.” His smile was friendly, as were his words. Perhaps the booze helped too. “You’re British or something too, right? Pretty tough to shove a gun into the hand of somebody like you.”

“Scottish.” Lumen spoke automatically, blushing once he had realised what he had done. Mark didn’t even seem to have noticed.

“Anyway, I’m here to offer you a way out. You’re aware of what Landon Ives is known for, right? He’s just dealing drugs, weapons and sometimes victims of trafficking.” He shook his head “I’m surprised you’re still around, I was starting to believe we’d have to give up finding you.”

Give up? Had they been looking?

“You wanna go home, don’t you?” he nodded, he had another sip of the drink. The Americans were rubbish at mixing drinks; you weren’t supposed to add any salt to the lime. Somehow they had managed to make it strong, too. He pushed the glass aside without finishing.

“Yes” he said “But, well, it hasn’t really been easy.” Talking was easy, however. “He’s got eyes like a hawk.”

“Uh-huh” the man said “I know, that’s why we’ve been looking for you, Lumen.”

 He stood up, looking down at Lumen. This was it, then, right? Lumen looked over his shoulder. Why did it suddenly seem like a good idea? Perhaps it didn’t.

“Let’s go talk outside.” It was as if Mark could read his mind. Lumen’s feet felt light yet the floor felt unstable, like walking on the deck of a ship at sea. “Hey, kid, are you okay?” the man put his arm around his shoulders, leading him out. “Let’s get you some fresh air.”

As soon as the door closed, he felt scared. He wasn’t in the same building as Landon anymore. At the same time, hadn’t many things been scary lately? What if this was his only chance. They said they wanted to help him. Landon never said such things. Landon had been open about just keeping him alive until he got bored of him.

Mark kept walking, away from the motel. His grip was firm on his shoulder.

“Where are we going?” Lumen asked.

“Gotta meet up with the other two. Let them know we made it out alive, then we’ll go back to Sierra and you can have a word with the boss.”

It all made sense, although he still felt confused.

“We’re sending some people over to Europe soon” Mark said “Tony paid boss to have your ticket sorted out, said you wanted to go back home to England.”

 _Scotland_ , Lumen corrected him in his head. He didn’t speak, though. Honestly- if they did send him to England he’d just take the train up. He wasn’t going to be picky. Not now.

He wrapped his arms around his body, it was a bit chilly but his jacket was inside. Along with his bag and his passport.

“My things are inside-“ he said slowly “My passport-“ his tongue felt thick, making it difficult to speak, yet stroking it against the inside of his teeth proved him wrong. It was normal.

“Hey, you feeling all right?” the man started half-dragging him, Lumen’s legs just wouldn’t work- putting one foot in front of the other was like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle.

All of a sudden he was being picked up and he lost all ability to keep his head up.


	7. God's gonna cut you down

The room was spinning and his vision was blurry, what had happened? He felt ill, his stomach turning forcing him to swallow – just in case. His arms hurt badly, wrists firmly tied behind his back forcing said arms into a highly uncomfortable position.

He inhaled sharply – the air was damp and had a mixed smell of petrol and possibly urine. He was sitting down- hell, if the room would just stop spinning- he could see grey, dark and grey. And... light, coming through a broken window, glass scattered over the floor along with various kinds of rubbish, leaves and empty can, aged and bleached. Something was written on the wall with red and black spray paint. Lumen couldn’t read it. He let out a quiet moan of pain, his head was throbbing. How long had he been here? And where _was_ this ‘here’? He wanted to call out, but his throat was drier than the bloody Sahara on a hot summer’s day. He turned his attention to the windows whilst tugging at the stiff rope tying his hands together, it was already digging into his skin, burning and scratching. It was a streetlight, so it must still be night or early dawn. Unless an entire day had passed- would that be possible?

Hell, this was _bad_. The panic was creeping up on him. He wanted Landon, but if he got out _– if_ – would Landon even have him back? This just might as well be the final straw, when Landon finally decided it was time. Would he rather be killed by Landon?

_Would he_? A voice whispered in his head

He closed his eyes, going against all instincts on keeping them wide open, searching for monsters in the shadows.

_Anyone but him_. Another voice said.

_Why?_ Yes... why? What did it matter who pulled the trigger? He tried to regain his focus, he could possibly stand up, opening his eyes once more, squinting. Still a bit blurry- _stand up_. He tried to imagine Landon’s hands pulling him up. It didn’t _really_ work, but he managed to get on his knees, and somehow press himself against the wall whilst placing one foot flat on the dirty concrete floor. _Get up_ , it was his voice now. Landon’s. Dark, husky. Imaginary.

He did – and immediately had to lean against the wall. His tied wrists forced him to bend forwards a bit. Fuck, it was hard. Like getting off a bloody rollercoaster only the rollercoaster was getting drugged and carried by some fucking idiot who’d probably kill him. He felt angry now, furious. Disappointed. Frustrated. He should never have left.

He panted; his cheek still against the cool, rough wall. His legs felt like spaghetti, about to give in any second now.

He could hear footsteps approaching, several ones- heavy, echoing. _I’m going to die standing up._ Tears were rolling down his cheeks, he couldn’t connect it to a certain feeling. It wasn’t _just_ sadness, not only fear – it was everything. Overwhelming. Everything. And nothing. Like how colours being spun in a wheel fast enough would create white.

He regained his balance, turning towards the doorway. It was just like a square in the wall, no doors – nothing, and outside... darkness. _Good boy_. It almost sounded comforting thinking about Landon. Even if it would be him appearing, even if he’d aim his gun at him.

If that was the last thing he’d ever see.

At least he’d get to see him one last time.

 

It wasn’t Landon.

It wasn’t Mark either- but they probably knew each other. A man with a shaved head, a man with short grey hair and a beard. One of them had a denim jacket, the other just a shirt, large muscles, a Japanese sleeve, tattoos on his knuckles and hands. Lumen couldn’t make out what it was. He was leering at them through a curtain of golden hair.

“You sure he’s _actually_ a guy?” one of the men – the bald with tattoos – asked, he had a southern accent and moved with long strides, his steps echoing between the walls.

“Mark said so.” The bearded one had a hoarse, deep voice instead. Lumen couldn’t place the accent at all. “It better be; we’ve got plenty of females already.”

_Plenty?_ Lumen tried to twist one of his arms to straighten out his shoulder slightly but the pain was too much.

“Who the hell are you?!” he was pissed off, the pain from his shoulder and wrists didn’t help, besides- that headache was going to split his head in half any minute now.

“It _is_ a guy!” the bearded one pointed out. He got closer- he smelled of cigarettes and his cold hand grabbed Lumen’s chin firmly. “Aren’t you pretty?” he flinched as the fingers brushed his hair off his forehead, forcing him to look up into a pair of blue eyes. He tried to jerk away but just hissed in pain. They would never get him alive. His eyes darted towards the window, making up a plan. It felt crazy, but would he rather..?

“What’s your name, lovely? Was it Lucas?” he backed him against the wall, his face dangerously close to his. The bearded one just stood there, arms crossed. The bald man just looked away once, as if to pass the question to his comrade. Lumen wasn’t going to speak, they wouldn’t get his name out of him. He would rather be somebody else to them. No one, even. Nothing that could possibly make this more personal than it already was.

“Damien?” the bearded suggested, shrugging with raised eyebrows, clearly clueless.

“Let go of me.” Lumen protested “What the hell do you want?!”

“You killed Tommy.” Baldhead said, casual as if reading the newspaper.

“ _Tony_ ” the beardy one corrected him. Baldhead didn’t seem to care, he just shrugged.

“Whatever. Now- you owe us.” Owe? Perhaps... perhaps he shouldn’t be as surprised. But he was.

_Jump out the window._ A panicked voice whispered. _Throw yourself out._ It was getting desperate.

_Don’t be a fucking fool._ Another voice whispered, Landon, since when had the fabricated memory of his voice been promoted to the sound of reason?

“Look- I’m sorry! It was a ... it really was a mistake. You have to believe me!” his voice trembled, stuttering the words, oh, he must sound pathetic. Baldhead didn’t look impressed, at least not with his words- although, his _eyes_ however, scanning his body. Lumen felt exposed.

“I see, I see. Still- you wanted to join, didn’t you? You’ll just have to work a bit.” And when his hand touched his bottom, Lumen _knew_. And it hit him – hard. The frozen fear, the shaking legs- he spat. He spat Baldhead right in the face, hitting his cheek and forehead. He was turned around, violently, face slammed into the wall, beardy had rushed over, his strong grip pressing him so firmly to the concrete that he could hardly breathe, and his arms were being tugged firmly upwards, sending a sharp pain from his shoulders down his backs resulting in a loud cry. He gasped for air, tears running down his cheeks, the pain blinding him with flashes of white behind his closed eyes. “You fucking _whore!”_ baldhead yelled, before regaining some kind of control;

“Get them off, this one needs to be broken in.” A pair of hands tugging his jeans, struggling a bit before reaching around to undo the zipper, it must be beardy holding him, the hands were huge, that meant it was baldhead who tried to - and unfortunately succeeded  in undressing him. Lumen couldn’t give up now- he tried to fight, kicking and squirming. Screaming was useless – there was no more air in his lungs. He could feel the cold air against his now exposed thighs. He kept kicking, trying to, at least, keeping his legs together and desperately trying to turn his face- once he did, he screamed, loudly. He didn’t know what he was screaming, not whether it was a sound or words. All he felt was his mouth open and sound echoing.

“Shut him up!” the voice sounded distant, the sound of a zipper being pulled down did not. It was loud. His face burned from the friction of rubbing against the wall.

Nothing was louder than the gunshot. Nothing was warmer than the liquid splashed over his back.

Or the shocked cry of pain as metal hit flesh. Lumen was released and immediately fell to the floor, face down. From the corner of his eye he could see a pair of boots and a man falling to his knees- next to him was the body of baldface, empty blue eyes staring at him, still wide with shock. There was blood- lots of it.

There was a loud _Ouff_ and the bearded man collapsed.

He didn’t scream as he was pulled to his feet by his arms – he threw up instead, right on the floor, the sick burning his throat.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Was all Landon said, pulling up his trousers quickly, not even bothering to button them. It was Landon- he had returned, he was half-dragging half-carrying him with Lumen’s face buried in his shoulder, only stopping in the doorway to fire a last shot. Lumen couldn’t see anything, but he could imagine what it did.

_You didn’t want him to kill you, because more than anything you wanted him to care._ He finally had the answer.

But did he care? Or was he just protecting himself?

Did Lumen care? Well... yes. But not right now.

“I’m sorry” he sobbed “I’m sorry-“

Landon’s silence was terrifying.

“I’m sorry” he kept repeating it with his fading voice, his throat drying up. Even when he was being picked up and carried over the shoulder, he sobbed, trying to feel the touch of skin against skin where his large hand touched his bleeding wrist. It hurt, but he feared not feeling him would hurt more.

How would it feel if his touch were to grow cold, lose all trace of affection?

They had grown rather close; snuggling in bed and kissing their way into the morning.

Had he just thrown it all away?

It felt like hours, but it could just as well been minutes, but they had reached what seemed to be the back door into the motel. The sun was on its way up, it shone through the window as Landon finally let him down outside their door, it was almost pretty. A pretty morning after an awful night- perhaps his last moments. Last sunrise.

He didn’t dare to look at Landon, he had betrayed him, yet he cut the rope off. Yet he led Lumen to the bathroom so he could clean up, just the worst- the sick inside and around his mouth and the sore wrists. His face had gotten away somewhat okay – there was a bruise on his forehead and a cut on his chin and cheekbone. He drank some water from his cupped hands, the coldness felt like daggers down his throat.

 

Landon was sitting on the bed once he returned to the shared bedroom. Lumen didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry” Lumen whispered, once more.

“Why the _fuck_ did you-“ Landon started “have you got _any_ fucking idea-“ he started to pace, looking at him as if trying to make sense out of the situation.

“Why?!”

_Why_?

It was the easiest question in the world.

Yet the hardest answer to give.

“Because...” he closed his eyes, but forced himself to open them again. He’d have to look him in the eyes.

“I don’t want to die” his voice was small and cracked. “I really don’t want to die” he should’ve run out of tears by now. Yet here he was, breaking down once more.

And here was Landon, grabbing his shoulders, crouching just a little to get on the same level. “They would kill you _over_ and _over_ ” he said, shaking him lightly “don’t you get that?! Would you rather be tortured every single day and night by sadistic rapists?” he shook him once more “Would you?!”

Lumen just shook his head. He didn’t. That’s why he would’ve jumped. Not if it had been about a gun. A gun was quick. It was easy.

“You’re never running away again.” It wasn’t a question, it wasn’t a plea. It was an order. An agreement Lumen didn’t even have to accept. He took a step forwards, into his arms. It felt like jumping off a building, like that window... and Landon was there to catch him. “If they had hurt you-“ he said, inhaling against his neck. “If they had fucking-“

“I know” Lumen whispered. “I know”

Landon wouldn’t have let them get away. Not with rape. Not with murder.

“You’re mine, princess. You know that.”  The way he said it, it shrunk Lumen, made him small, made him somewhat safe once more. Made him relax and made him tired.

“Aye” it was a small sigh. Did he dare? “Da... daddy..?” he swallowed. Hard.

“Yes, my little angel?” it had worked, right? He was still his – _his_ daddy. Despite it all.

“I’m tired” he looked up. Landon looked back, held the eye contact for just a few moments before smiling vaguely. “I can tell.”

He didn’t kick nor scream when Landon undressed him, Landon wasn’t _them_ , the bald or the bearded. They had spent so many nights, hell- Lumen had choked on that cock way too many times to have to fear him crossing the line. He knew Landon wanted to fuck properly, although obviously enjoying spilling in his mouth or over his face. But he hadn’t pushed it- not more than perhaps rubbing his erection against his arse during the night, squeezing his buttocks and running his finger down between... still. He would’ve stopped if Lumen had asked him to, he was sure of that.

Perhaps it was Lumen’s main strategy of staying alive- making Landon want him too bad to let him go until they had gone all the way, he wasn’t entirely sure of it himself. At times it could feel like a good idea- yet, was it, really? Perhaps he was just nervous.

Because he knew it wasn’t about _not wanting to_ any longer.

Landon tucked him in and laid down on the other side, fully dressed with only his shoes and jacket taken off.

“We’ve got a _long_ drive ahead.” He said “Get some rest- we’ll leave soon enough.”


	8. Electra Heart

 

 _Long drive ahead_ , yet Landon had said himself he could go wherever he wanted now. The thought occupied his mind as they left the town behind; his hair was still damp after the quick shower Landon had ordered him to after less than three hours of sleep. He felt bad; at least Lumen could sleep in the car, Landon, however, who had more than likely been up looking for him all night, didn’t have that luxury.

“Did ye get any sleep..?” he asked, carefully. He hadn’t seen him fall asleep and he had been up before Lumen.

“Hardly.” He said “Will probably have to stop along the way after all.” He looked over at him, mouth slightly open as if he was about to say something, but changed his mind. “They messed you up pretty bad.” He said. “You got lucky.” It was a warning. Landon probably knew he didn’t have to talk him through what had happened – Lumen knew.

Landon let out a disapproving snort “Can’t believe they thought they could have that ass _before_ me! You don’t just cut the queue like that, that’s fucking rude.”

Lumen just shot him a glare, truth to be told- he was happy, at least Landon was back to his ordinary asshole self.

“Dickhead.” Lumen muttered, still unable to keep the frown genuine.

Landon just reached out, ruffling his still somewhat damp hair.

“If you got that desperate for cock in an abandoned building, you should’ve come to me instead. Only difference is that I wouldn’t invite my buddy, though perhaps that was what you fancied?”

And Lumen was laughing. It was so inappropriate, so incorrect. Lumen had almost been brutally raped, he had been drugged and kidnapped. Their plan had been to keep him as some kind of cum dump.

It had been awful, terrifying, horrible and all those things. But they both _knew_ that already. Perhaps that was why it felt _good_ being able to joke about it. Landon _was_ taking it seriously, Lumen knew that.

“Don’t ever scare me like that again.” Landon said “Jesus fucking Christ. Had something actually happened-“

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Landon sighed “Lesson learned I take it.” He shook his head.

There was still something Lumen couldn’t help to think about, and as he’d rather not bring the subject up again later, he just had to ask right now “What about the guys you killed?”

“Oh, those.” Landon looked so casual, it brought some hope “Police won’t give a fuck. I’ve pretty much done some free cleaning service for them.” Lumen relaxed a bit, now, that was good, right?

“Still, risk is that they told people what they were going to do, and in that case I’m in some pretty deep shit in these areas of the country.” He still sounded somewhat casual. How could he? He had murdered and had a gang after him. Sometimes it was so easy to forget Landon was an actual serial killer himself.

“Oh... that guy- Mark!” Lumen’s eyes widened. How could he have forgotten?

“He’s swimming with the fishes now.” Landon chuckled “How do you think I found out where he took you? Pretty much did him a favour having him killed within ten minutes, had the other vipers found out he was a little snitch he’d been off way worse.” Well, it made sense.

“Now” Landon kept talking, however changing the subject “We’ll probably stay for a nap, might not get a motel though, we’ll just have to sleep in the cab.”

“That’ll save you some cash, right?” Lumen asked. Landon grinned and patted his leg “Princess, cash isn’t a problem. It’s more a matter of laziness, besides, we’re not staying full nights now.”It all felt very mysterious, he understood Landon wanted to get out of this area- he had every reason to, but why the hurry?

“Where are we going anyway?”

“Nowhere you know of” he just said, turning up the volume on the stereo, blasting that Led Zeppelin album one more time. Lumen knew the order of the tracks by heart now. He also knew it meant that it was time for him to be quiet. Lumen could just might as well get some sleep by now, the noise didn’t bother him too much anyway. He curled up on his side, Lumen’s jacket as a blanket and Landon’s leather jacket rolled up to support his head as a pillow. The sun moved across the sky between his short naps, feeling more like a blink of an eye than anything else. Hadn’t it been for the change of light and track on the stereo he probably wouldn’t have noticed.

It was surprising, staying whilst the sun was still up. It was early night, or late afternoon. The digital numbers on the dashboard read 6:45 pm.

“We’ll get some food, get some sleep.” Landon said “If you wanna hang out at the bar, that’s fine. But I won’t be around to save your pretty ass the next time.” Lumen probably wouldn’t, besides, it would be bad enough if someone caught him drinking as a minor and had the police involved.

He feared he was going to grow allergic to burgers anytime soon and was more than surprised he hadn’t gained more weigh than just a tiny bit which – according to Landon – had ended up on his butt, much to the man’s delight. Not that he was sure he could take Landon’s word for it _only_ going there, as he did seem to pay quite some attention to his ass compared to the rest of his body. At least it seemed like it.

Still, judging from the consistence of the _soup of the day_ , burger did feel like the safest choice judging from everything but his cholesterol levels.

“Can’t believe how ye manage to stay so fit” Lumen pointed out as Landon took a large bite.

“I ju-“ the man started, but was interrupted by Lumen, who just couldn’t stop himself “Don’t talk with food in your mouth, daddy”

Landon rolled his eyes, but did chew and swallow before talking again.

“ _Well_ ,” he said “I don’t really know. I do my push-ups at the motel and work out whenever I’m off road duty.” Lumen nodded slowly.

“Ye should take better care of yourself, ye ken.” He pointed out “I mean- you look _great_ , but...”

“You’re adorable, princess” the man chuckled “Don’t worry, I’ve got plans.”

Plans? Landon didn’t say anything more, he just turned his attention back to the burger and occasionally the door, but only anonymous truckers and a family passed through. Perhaps it was the fact that Lumen wasn’t included in the plans that caused the lump in his stomach. He used to have a lover back in Scotland, he’d come over every now and then from London, visiting his cousin in the neighbouring village. It wasn’t serious, of course- they’d just meet up occasionally, have sex and pretend to be interested in each other’s personalities. Then there had been Andy; the only older man he had been with, being in his early forties with Lumen being no older than sixteen. A writer, renting a cottage to get some isolated inspiration for his books nobody would ever buy. He had used sweet words and rich vine, calling Lumen his ‘muse’ and all sorts of pretty things, lying about having a wife and a kid.

He had ended up sending him a copy of his novel, a typical pulp fiction about some brave former war-hero now secret agent solving some Russian spy murder drama in the highlands and this mysterious _angel_ with its golden hair and green eyes visiting him during the nights on the lonely moors for some steamy, ridiculous sexual adventures. 

Lumen still had the book somewhere, as a reminder of how it, in the end, was no need to be sad about not ending up with Andy.

They left the diner, there was a lorry stop just behind the next-door petrol station but it was fairly empty now – just one other lorry had had been there when they arrived.

There was a small space behind the seats with a mattress, pillows and blankets, usually covered with bags and Landon’s belongings as well as the bag Lumen had brought with him. This far they had never spent any time there, it was clearly about to change.

“Here” Landon handed him a bag “Just put it on the floor” Lumen recognised it, and it hurt. It was hard not to  - as it was his own bag, his phone would be in there, unless Landon had moved it. He knew he had shoved most of his things in there after emptying Lumen’s jacket to make sure he didn’t have any chance to escape or call for help.

“There, nice and cosy!” Landon looked up behind the seats. “You coming? Or are you gonna roll up on that seat like a little pussycat again?”

Lumen rolled his eyes and kicked his shoes off on the floor before doing as he was told. Sleeping close had somehow become their thing, in the beginning it was mostly because of Landon insisting of being near, way before Lumen had sort of started to warm up to his capturer.

Landon was already laying down on his side, propped up on his elbow and watching him undress.

Perhaps this was it? _I’ve got plans_ , the words haunted his mind along with that handsome face, the strong arms- perhaps something had happened last night when Lumen had truly feared for his life.

_I don’t want Landon to be the one, I don’t want to be just another victim. Just another number when he meets his next one._

He looked down on him over his shoulder, his back turned to him. What did Landon see? Did he know Lumen no longer feared him? Only what was coming for him.

Landon raised his eyebrow, expectantly, wondering, and Lumen just gave a shy little smile in response.

 _I have plans_. Why didn’t those words terrify him? Why didn’t them make him want to run away?

He pulled the shirt over his head, he could see, from the corner of his eye, how Landon pushed himself up on his arm, half-sitting somewhat upright.

 _I have plans._ And Lumen wasn’t invited. Perhaps that was the problem. Landon and Lumen’s path would part, one way or another.

 _That_ scared him more than the gun.

 Shivers went down his back as Landon’s fingers carefully moved his hair aside from his back and neck, the strands tickling his skin. They had cuddled before, they had made out and Lumen had done his fair share of blowjobs. Still, this time when Landon kissed his neck, his beard scratching his porcelain skin, it felt different.

He laid down and had to roll over onto his side to face Landon once more, kissing back. He pressed close- slipping his hands up beneath the thin fabric of the man’s t-shirt to feel the warm skin. Perhaps this was _it_. He reached down, he wasn’t surprised anymore- Landon did get hard pretty easily, though he insisted Lumen should take it personally, another one of his hilarious jokes. Probably.

“You know what to do” Landon grinned against his lips. It wasn’t an order- sex was never an order, not from Landon.

“Take those off first, by the way.” The man added, slipping a finger inside the hem of Lumen’s trousers. He had to more than less wiggle out of them, internally cursing himself for sticking to skinny jeans.  

“Good, now get on top.” Landon had pulled his own jeans off and rolled over onto his back.

Once more, he obeyed, pulling his hair back and giving the massive erection a few strokes. Normally Landon would just blow him too, this time, however, his focus was elsewhere as his tongue pressed against his entrance, teasing it and licking it whilst his large hands spread and squeezed his cheeks. Lumen’s sound of surprise was only muffled by Landon’s cock keeping his mouth fully occupied.

This was it, this was the strong feeling of _need_ taking over. He had wanted Landon before, and always resisted the urge of going all the way, limiting it to blowjobs at the most.

He let the erection slip out between his lips swollen and wet with saliva.

“Fuck me”

It was like the time froze for a second, before Landon who just had pressed his tongue inside him pulled out and said “Seriously?”

“Fuck me” he repeated, swallowing. Landon gave his buttock a cheeky bite.

“Then be a good boy and bring me the lube, you know where it is, don’t you?” well, as far as he was concerned Landon had more than one bottle, but he knew one of them was by the driver’s seat, which was probably also the closest one. He got up off the mattress and hurried to dig out the plastic bottle, avoiding to be seen through the window, and then handed it back to Landon. 

“So, let me get this straight” the man said while pouring a generous amount of lube onto his fingers “You keep me on a strict no-pussy diet for _ages_ , and now you change your mind on the one day we haven’t got access to an actual bed?” he shook his head “I’m sure you’re just into doing it in a parking lot.”

“You really wanna go back to that diet, don’t you?” Lumen sassed back, managing to make Landon laugh as he positioned himself between Lumen’s legs and started the preparations by just smearing some of the lubricant. “relax now, baby, this is going to be quite a stretch-”well, he wasn’t even going to shade Landon’s dick joke, especially not when he, himself, had pointed out Landon’s size more than twice the last couple of weeks. 

He pressed a finger gently, slowly yet firmly against him, sliding it inside and moving it just a bit. Lumen closed his eyes with a small gasp, it didn’t hurt- it was more the entire thing. He could tell the man was beyond impatient, but he took his time, adding another finger only once the first one could move with ease. “that’s a nice little pussy” he had started to slowly twist his fingers, working his muscles slowly to have them relax. “ _there_ we go-“

Lumen couldn’t really hold back; he moaned and whimpered, even squirming a bit to get more of the friction.

“ _Mm_ \- That _is_ _nice_ isn’t it?” the man chuckled, putting his free hand firmly on his hip. He pulled his fingers out and poured some more lube into his hand and used it to coat his swelling cock “Be still now, princess, I don’t wanna hurt you with this one.”

It did sting a tiny bit, but it only lasted for a second at the most.

“Oh _yes_ ” Landon groaned, laughing breathily as he started to move “Now that’s what I’m fucking talking about!” Lumen didn’t really have any comments on that- he just let his head fall back onto the mattress with a deep breath whilst Landon started to thrust.

He wrapped his legs around him, his nail desperately digging into his back as he was getting more than less ravished.

It was as if the time stopped the moment Landon’s hand pressed against his throat, his hips still thrusting. He stared up- reality found its way, was this it? This was how it was going to happen. He didn’t fight back, he didn’t struggle. It was a calm shock.

He couldn’t breathe – literally, his heart was racing. Landon’s gaze was fixed on him, Lumen tried to read his expression. _Love me_. It wasn’t cold, it wasn’t sad, it wasn’t happy either. Landon was just filled with lust.

_Is my love going to be my death?_

But then all of a sudden, Landon let go of his throat, and instead leaned down to kiss it, bite it, suckle it. “Turn around.” He said, hoarsely.

Lumen was confused, but strangely aroused, so he did as he was told. Had Landon just done it out of sexual pleasure, or had he actually thought about doing it? Of course it could have been both but... why did he let go, in that case?

 _Perhaps he’s just playing_.

He got on his hands and knees. It was all very loud; the flesh against flesh, the breathing and their sounds. Landon must have left hickeys all over his neck by now.

Landon came first, thrusting deep inside him, biting down on his shoulder possessively, but he wasted no time pushing Lumen onto his back, immediately wrapping his lips around Lumen’s throbbing erection.

He didn’t last ten seconds.

“Good boy” Landon smiled as he licked the last drops off his lips. “Now, that was worth the wait.”


	9. Good intentions

Once they had cleaned up using baby wipes and Landon’s dirty t-shirt, they had managed getting a few hours of sleep, getting up again right after the sun had set.

“It’s going to be a long drive, but I think we can make it in one go.” Landon said, still secretive about the destination.

The fact remained, however; they had had sex, and Lumen was still alive.

“Feel free to get some sleep, sweetie.” His eyes were fixed on the road. Next to rain, nightly drives were Lumen’s favourites. Though he liked them combined with rain even better, just tracing the raindrops down the window and being able to feel safe and warm.

He wasn’t tired, but he had a bag of biscuits and a half a litre of diet coke to enjoy.

If anything, these weeks had taught him how to sleep for the sake of killing time.

He was impressed with Landon’s patience, being able to drive all those hours at a time, Lumen knew how to drive, but he wasn’t a fan. Especially not in the states, being an avid listener of horror stories and urban legend podcasts, he had been exposed to way too many stories starting with driving alone and ending with either unsolved or brutal murders with limbs scattered all across the states or whatnot. He didn’t have the same fears in good old Scotland – you’d rarely meet anyone but perhaps a flock of sheep in the middle of the night, which was usually about as scary as it got, and _if_ you were to find someone else on a lonesome road up in the highlands or along the coast, they’d most likely be as surprised as you.

“Ye want a biscuit too, daddy?” Lumen asked, as if to just remind Landon of his presence.

“Oh, you’re still awake?” he must have zoned out, Lumen had literally been sitting there the entire time, usually he’d curl up and get as comfortable as he could get on the seat.

“Aye” he yawned “Biscuit?”

Landon held his hand out, Lumen dug into the bag and found one of the miniature American chocolate chip cookies.

“They’re so cute!” Lumen sniggered as a reaction to Landon’s inspecting gaze before shoving the entire thing into his mouth.

“I suppose they are” Landon agreed, turning his attention back to the road “If you wanna sleep in the back instead, that’s fine.” He knew it wasn’t really allowed, at least that was what he had heard, but it was a bit tempting, more than anything, it sounded as if Landon would prefer it.

So he did, and although it was more comfortable actually being able to lie down with a straight back, it wasn’t the same as sitting next to the man looking out the windows.

On the other hand – there wasn’t much to see anymore, just darkness.

He had returned to his seat at the break of dawn, there was already a difference in the surroundings – trees, grass and just a more generally green environment compared to the dusty red dirt of the south. They hadn’t gotten too far, of course, only driving for a night, but when they’d set off after the Viper incident they had been at the northern parts of the south, near the border.

“Where are we heading?” Lumen tried once again, hoping Landon would finally consider actually giving him a proper answer.

He was lucky this time.

“We’ll stop by a friend of mine.” He said “He’s moving soon, gotta have a word with him before that.” He looked over at him, he was starting to look really tired- his beard was scruffy and there were shadows beneath the chocolate eyes.

“Do you wanna stop for a break, luv?” Lumen asked carefully “You look tired.”

The man smiled softly “Don’t worry, kid.” He said, patting his leg. “I’ll sleep once we get to Johnny’s, hopefully.” He bit his lower lip “I’m not sure he’s too pleased with me right now.” He sounded a bit distant, Lumen looked at him, waiting for an explanation, but Landon just shook his head “We’ll pick up some pizza before we get there. Are you very hungry? There is still a couple of hours drive”

Lumen wasn’t, he still had some snacks and would rather just get to this friend of Landon’s, the change of environment had cheered him up a bit; all the trees with their bright foliage felt energizing.

 

They only stopped for petrol, bathroom visits and a quick lunch of pre-packed sandwiches, more for the sake of the extra energy than actual hunger; Landon was looking worse by the hour, but once they had passed through a large sign reading _Falrose_ , he seemed to perk up a bit. The entire day had almost passed, the setting sun bathing the green landscape in a sheer veil of golden light. To Lumen, it was beautiful.

“Fucking _finally_!” Landon exclaimed, accidently honking the horn briefly as he gave the steering wheel a triumphant bump with his fist, letting out a sharp noise so sudden it had Lumen flinch.

They stopped by a pizzeria; the elderly fat man working the till seemed to know Landon as him and what looked like his adult son greeted him as a friend with thick Italian accents, almost sounding stereotypical.

“do you come here often?” Lumen asked as they left, the man having Lumen climb up first and then hand him the warm cardboard boxes, the scent of melted cheese and pepperoni had him struggling keeping his groaning stomach quiet, trying his best not to give away the fact that he was now starving.

“It happens” Landon said with a wink “I’ve almost lived here, I’ve totally worn Johnny’s couch out. I think he’s got the guest room set up now.”

 

Johnny lived in a rather small two-level house next to a park, there were a hammock on the porch and the grass was in dire need of a cut, but it looked charming enough with all the houses in different colours and decorated differently, giving off a somewhat bohemian feeling. Landon parked the lorry outside and helped Lumen with the pizza cartons.

“He’s fine- we’re as good as brothers so in case we...” he cleared his throat “Well, if we end up arguing, try not to worry, okay? We’re not going to kill each other. And try not to interfere, there’s no use.” He cleared his throat “He’s... aware of what I do. But he hates it. So don’t bring it up, yeah?”

Well, Landon didn’t exactly make it easy to not worry, and Lumen, who had expected someone tough and rough like Landon or possibly one of the vipers, were surprised when the door was opened by what looked like a shaggy hippie.

“Hello” Lumen stuttered, being suddenly nervous, he held his hand out “I’m Lumen”

The man looked between him and Landon a few times, and Lumen could only feel as if he was missing something.

“Hey, man” he said “I’m Johnny” he shook his hand and stepped aside, letting them in.

There was a faint scent of patchouli in the hallway,

“Sorry ‘bout the mess, didn’t know you’d get here so early” Johnny said, he wasn’t that tall, but his lanky frame almost made him appear taller than he was. He lead the way through the hallway into a kitchen, shoving one of many rolled up electrical cords out of the way with his foot. For a moment Lumen thought that he must be an electrician, but the amount of guitars he could glimpse through the doorway opposite of the kitchen and perhaps a bit thanks to the vintage and not too unlikely genuine Lynyrd Skynyrd tour t-shirt from what seemed to be the mid-70’s perhaps he was either just a music enthusiast or in the actual business? He was probably in the same age-range as Landon, although his hair was brown and greasy and lacked the silver streaks Landon had, and his overall appearance made him trickier to determine, it could just be that he was underfed or naturally prone to be skinny. He did have very kind eyes, however, and Lumen couldn’t help but like his relaxed attitude and the calmness that seemed to surround his very existence, but then he had only been around him for less than ten minutes.

“We had a bit of a setback in the schedule” Landon said “And we wanted to get here as quickly as possible.” We?

“Yeah?” the man just asked as he cleared the table. “What’cha wanna drink, lil’ dude?”  he had turned to Lumen, taking him by surprise. “Oh” his voice cracked a bit, embarrassingly enough – nothing got better when it made him blush. This wasn’t the time to get socially awkward.

“Just... just anything really, please.” He stuttered.

“Oh, he’s well behaved!” Johnny said “that’s a sweet accent too, dude- you from Europe or somethin’?”

“Scotland” Landon filled in for him. “He’s a good boy.”

“Landon’s not getting ya into any trouble, right? I see you’ve got some small cuts” he held up a beer can and a can of some unknown brand of orange soda, raised eyebrows in a silent question.

“Well... I think I might be getting myself in trouble.” Lumen admitted “the soda, please.”

“I’ll have the other one.” Landon added quickly. “And tell me about it, he almost got himself kidnapped. Can’t leave him alone for five minutes.” It was highly ironical, wasn’t it? did Johnny know Lumen was another one of his victims?

They sat down on the mismatched chairs around the old table

Johnny was nice; he asked questions and joked around with Landon. Apparently they had known each other for ages.

“He found me shitfaced and pissed off” Landon chuckled, cracking another beer. “Most patient son of a bitch I’ve ever met. At a rock festival back in... was it ’96?”

“Dude, you were so drunk!” Johnny said “You even tried to pick a fight with a tent!”

“Fucker tripped me.” Landon “Not my fault people got those modern low tents.”

Lumen could only bite his lip not to burst out laughing- well, it didn’t work, but it gave him time to swallow the orange soda before doing so.

He liked their host; his green eyes could somehow manage to be filled with enthusiasm even though he looked like he could do with a few days of sleep and he was clearly fond of Landon as a friend. With the stories they told, Lumen could only feel happy about the men finding each other, based on the amount of trouble Landon seemed cause in his younger years.

 

The time passed way too fast, and around half past midnight Johnny rose to set up the guest bedroom upstairs whilst Landon was to sleep on the couch.  
Perhaps it was because Lumen’s brain simply was too tired to cope, or because they had broken their motel-road-motel-road routine by actually sitting down talking to Johnny, but he couldn’t help but feel sad once more.

Johnny had seemed happy for them. Landon had told him not to mention his intentions. That Johnny hated it. Johnny- the friendly peace-lover, perhaps he could save him. Make it all good.

Would he turn on Landon to save him? If Lumen did bring it up, perhaps they’d both turn on him. Then each other. 

He laid curled up beneath a thin cover in a guest room; Johnny had gone to get him another blanket and a cup of tea, insisting on the latter after catching him shivering. He sat down; was it just the cold? He felt cold in too many ways.

_I’m going to die. I don’t know if I should tell Johnny. He might be my last chance._

“Hey, little dude” Johnny’s voice from the doorway was surprised, he had returned from the kitchen, a Mexican blanket folded over his shoulder “What’s the matter?” he crouched down, balancing a teacup on a chipped plate.

“Nothing” he lied, as if Johnny would believe him for a second.

“Come on, dude, you can tell me, I ain’t goin’ to tell Landon if it’s private, yeah? I can keep a secret.” He put his free hand on his shoulder, his long, bony fingers gently squeezing it.

What did he have to lose? Johnny was Landon’s friend, but he had also offered to be Lumen’s.

 _I don’t wanna die_. Just saying the words inside his head was enough- he broke down, big time. Sobbing and crying. The truth could piss him off – Landon had told him not to bring it up, but Johnny was asking and... well, if it was true that Landon and Johnny were going to move back in together later on, that mean Lumen would have to go. He hadn’t shed a lot of tears over the fact that he was going to die but now he couldn’t stop himself.

“Now you _really_ gotta tell me, dude” he put the cup on the floor and sat down next to him. “Has he been bad to ya? Because if he has-“

“No, no-“ was that a lie? He shook his head, tears running down his cheeks. The only way he _had_ been bad in was telling him the truth.“He’s... I love him” _he did?!_ “’ts just that... I know he’s going to kill me. At least that’s what he’s said and... I really don’t want to d-”

“Wait, wait-“ Johnny interrupted him, looking shocked “What makes you think that?!”

“He... he _told_ me” Lumen sniffed, looking equally surprised.

Didn’t Johnny know? “Didn’t you know about him-“

“I do, dude, but- not _you_.” His otherwise so kind eyes had suddenly turned dark. “You just stay here, okay? and don’t worry- he ain’t gonna harm ya.” Lumen reached out, grabbing the skinny arm. “I-“ he said. “I don’t want him to leave, Johnny” _Because last time he did, all I ever wanted was to see him again._

 

All he could hear was rushed steps down the staircase, he moved over towards the door, opening it slowly. He had to- _curiosity killed the cat_ , it was still Landon’s voice.

“Johnny?” Landon’s voice sounded surprised, then “Ouch- _What the fuck?!”_ he knew what a fist punching a face sounded like, and it was exactly like this. Had  Johnny punched him? Part of him wanted to hurry down the stairs, break it up, protect Landon.  

But Landon had specifically told him not to intervene. Johnny wasn’t an enemy, Lumen was the new one here, the visitor, guest, _victim_. 

Johnny’s voice was loud and furious, far from the soft and friendly wording Lumen had gotten used to already.

“Why the _fuck_ would you let that poor kid believe you’re going to kill him?!” his voice bellowed “Dude, what in the name of Ganesha is wrong with you?!”

There was silence, just for a moment, then a;

“You don’t understand.” His voice was strained, uncomfortable.

“Make me, dude! Explain yourself before I- I- I... he’s _crying_ , man!”

Lumen had to bite his hand, even though they were loud downstairs he feared to make a sound. What if they found out he was eavesdropping? This conversation wasn’t meant for his ears. _But it’s about you, right?_

“Are you going to?” Johnny kept talking, just like Landon remained silent. “You told me this one was different, you _know_ the rules! You don’t bring that business inside of here! Not in _my fucking house,_ dude!”

“He is fucking different!” Landon was talking back now, his voice getting louder by the word.

“Then why is he upstairs fearing for his life?! Is that how you treat ‘em?”

Lumen closed his eyes. What did Landon mean he was different? Was he fearing for his life, or the people he would no longer meet? Lydia... he’d miss her. Her and Landon. And his dreams, his hopes- he’d miss those too. It felt unfair, and he was angry. He should have done more with his life. Now he wouldn’t even get a chance.

And... what was that silence?

“No, no- dude” Johnny’s voice was lower now, thanks to the ineffectively soundproof house Lumen could still hear it. “No, cut the tears, you can’t just sob out of this!”

Was Landon actually crying?

“Explain yourself, man! I’ll not tolerate- ...what did you say?“ whatever Landon had said, it had been too quietly, both to Lumen and Johnny, apparently.

“Because he’d fucking _leave_ me!” his voice was loud, desperate. And then...  silence. “I don’t want him to leave, Johnny” he was sobbing now. Was that really the reason? Lumen was holding his breath, unable to fully grasp what the man was saying. Was Landon a control freak, possessive or... or did he truly want Lumen to stay?

“You can’t kidnap him and threaten him to make him stay, dude! That’s against every ethical principle in the world!” the fury and anger had slowly started to sound like frustration and dejection instead.

“When you came here- I thought you had finally _found someone_ who clearly likes you a lot, dude! Because he does! He’s totes in love! And that’s all I’ve wanted for you!” He was starting to sound hysterical, his voice getting louder and Lumen could almost imagine him shaking Landon’s shoulders. “Now you’re breaking _both_ our hearts, I... _why?!_ ”

 _He’s totes in love_. He was talking about Lumen. Was he? Was he actually in love?

In a twisted, wicked way, he was. It had all just happened in a different way than he was used to. There hadn’t been him watching this man, gaining the confidence to go and say ‘hello’, no nervous text messages where he overanalyzed it all and spent all his time trying to come out as interesting but not desperate.

All he could hear was Landon sniffing and sobbing. He wanted to run down- tell Landon it was going to be okay.

“He knows too much.” Landon finally said “He’d go to the police.”

He wanted to protest, but he didn’t dare to admit he had been eavesdropping, although he’d probably get away with it as the men were rather loud.

“What have you done to him?” Johnny sighed, sounding genuinely heartbroken “You can’t just... you can’t _do_ this, man.”

“But how can I sort it out?!” Landon asked “He’d tell the police- I’d be in death row.”

“He _loves_ you, dude! But you can’t keep him like this- it’s... it’s like locking a bird into a cage, that’s not love, you know that! You gotta let him free! I know your dad fucked your life up but... why can’t you just be the man he didn’t want you to be, dude? Don’t turn cold because the world did...”

“Johnny.” Landon sounded threatening now. “ _Stop it_.”

What had Landon’s father done? All Lumen knew was that he was an idiot and hated the fact that Landon wasn’t straight, had even beaten him up more than once. Landon’s mother... he hadn’t spoken of her, ever.

“Your dad is what’s making you kill a young man who wants to be with you. I want you to think about that.”

“I’m a killer.” Landon said “You can’t change that. Perhaps he’s better off dead. I wouldn’t let him suffer. He’ll never be safe with me. Besides- he’s not in love, Johnny, he’s just... he’s a mess with a survival instinct, okay? Possibly a shitload of daddy issues to go with it.”

 

He sat there, curled up in the shadow by the slightly ajar door. Counting his breaths- only when he couldn’t see any more light from Johnny’s room he carefully stood up and tip-toed out of the room, soundlessly on the carpeted floor.

“Landon?” he could see his silhouette on the sofa. The man immediately moved, lifting his head.

“I... I can’t sleep.” He semi-lied. He didn’t want to talk about what he had heard, the questions were driving him crazy, however. “Can I sleep here with you?”

There was a deep sigh, the tired one, then the man lifted the thick duvet. “C’mere, kid.” He said, voice hoarse. Lumen knew it was from the crying and not only from being tired.

“I’m not used to sleeping all alone now.” Lumen said in an attempt to make the situation seem more casual, he would be fine on his own, usually. Just the idea that their time together soon would come to an end, and perhaps Landon actually would kill him. Perhaps it would help? 

 _He’s a mess_ was he? Landon’s words had hurt, he could stay by Landon for the sake of survival, but his feelings... no, they weren’t about surviving. Everything would have been much easier if he hadn’t felt anything for the man. Johnny was offering his protection but leaving Landon felt like a terrible idea. He curled up close to Landon, his strong arms embracing him, he was so near, yet his gaze was distant and seemed unintentionally fixed at the ceiling.

“What’s wrong, Landon?” he asked, carefully.

“Many things” the man sighed, breaking the thousand yards stare to look down at him. “Sorry, darling, I’m exhausted.” Lumen knew that Landon knew he had been crying.

Landon knew Lumen had heard at least parts of the argument.

And in a silent agreement, they both acted like nothing had happened, going through it all in their heads, not speaking a word about it.

He blinked awake in the middle of the night – according to the radio in the lorry there had been a remarkable dry couple of weeks, and it seemed like it would remain that way at least over the weekend. Nevertheless was the rain falling in the dark night. Lumen smiled, the rain had started to feel like his companion, following him around and soothing him, reminding him of home.

 _Home_. Scotland. Lydia. Family.

Long drives with Landon, listening to those ghost stories. Listening to old school rock music.

Sleeping.

In an old stone house on a farm.

In a small motel bed.

Home. _Love_.

 

It was way past eleven when he woke up again, there was a thick fog outside the window. Lumen rather enjoyed it.

Landon had risen earlier, leaving Lumen to sleep alone. The man was now sitting in the kitchen, his hair damp after a shower, freshly shaven. It looked strange, seeing him without his beard. He was handsome – of course, actually, he was one of the few who looked just as good with and without beard. He looked rather concerned; Lumen could hear Johnny’s voice too, although he had no idea what he was talking about. It didn’t sound as if they were arguing.

He looked up as he noticed Lumen heading towards the kitchen through the doorway, a smile spread across his face “Good morning” he greeted him.

“Good morning” Lumen was still feeling drowsy.

“Oh, hey, sunshine!” Johnny said “D’ya want some juice or somethin’? Oh! I got some really sweet bread, it got like those seeds in it..!” he started to search the pantry with great enthusiasm.

Landon just grinned and pulled out the chair next to him, even moving it slightly closer. “Did you sleep well?” he asked after kissing his lips softly. Lumen couldn’t help but touch his cheek, caressing the skin with his fingers. “This is different” he sniggered less than an inch from his lips.

“Bad or good different?” he asked, scratching it thoughtfully.

“I like both.” Lumen admitted, truthfully. “You look more like some kinda hot gangster now, though. The old Hollywood kind.”

“And before..?” Landon asked, but they were interrupted by Johnny who seemed to not only have found the loaf of bread, but actually had made him a sandwich and poured him a glass of juice.

“Breakfast is served, lil dude!” he sounded proud.

Landon stood up “I’ll go trying not to blow up your computer, then.” He had turned to Johnny. “I think Lumen might have some laundry.” It did feel slightly awkward again, or more like Lumen was missing something. He’d have to ask Landon soon, he still didn’t like it, though. Not since the drama last night, what if Landon was running away?

It was a mad thought, of course, but it struck him in the genius way of anxiety with all its non-existing rationality.

He _was_ hungry, though, and the laundry wasn’t a joke. They hadn’t stopped at a Laundromat for at least a week now and Lumen had a limited set of clothes with him.

Landon headed off upstairs and Lumen finished his breakfast before setting off, grabbing his bag from the hallway and then followed Johnny down to the basement.

Rummaging through his bag, he froze for a moment- his phone, hadn’t it been that he simply had been too distracted yesterday he could probably have grabbed it then.

“Huh? Anything wrong, dude?” Johnny asked. It felt strange- being a 21st century kid, of course he’d be hooked on his phone. Landon had put him on a cold turkey, and now it just felt strange. Did he dare to start it? Landon had turned it off completely their first night.

“No” he said, putting the phone back in his pocket. He’d go through it later.

Whilst the washing machine was running and Landon was busy he moved on to have a nice, long shower. At least he had been able to shower during their time on the roads, except when the showers were in a shared space or just a sanitary disaster.

 

He could hear Johnny and Landon talk downstairs, he was back in his bedroom, phone in hand. He had had to plug the charger in.

He didn’t know what he had expected, and perhaps he should be disappointed when he realised that... nothing really had happened. There was a shared meme, some snapchats and loads of spam.

He had been kidnapped for weeks.

And nobody had really missed him enough to try to contact him.

He even went so far as to Googling his own name, had anyone cared to contact the authorities?

Nothing.

He didn’t feel happy, but he didn’t feel like crying either.

He just felt lonely. And empty.

 

He heard footsteps in the stairs, then a light knock on the door. It was Landon.

“Hey, darling.” He said, his eyes widened in what Lumen thought must have been a tense fear as he saw the phone.

“Nobody even noticed” Lumen said, quietly putting the phone down.

Landon walked over, sat down on the edge of the bed and opened his arms. “C’mere, kid” he said, lowly.

Why would he care? If nobody missed him... there wouldn’t be much drama.

“You’ve got a choice now” Landon said “Either you come with me or... or you stay and Johnny will sort something out for you.”

Was this a choice between life and death?

“Are you leaving?” he wished he wouldn’t, that they could just spend some more time here. Or perhaps on their own somewhere.

“Yeah.” Landon sighed “I’ve got some errands to tend to. Perhaps it would be better if you stayed.” He shook his head “One way or another, darling... this is our end.”

“Did Johnny force you?” Lumen asked. Normally Landon would protest. This time he didn’t.

“Not... _really_.” He said “It’s complicated.” He looked down on his hands “I haven’t got time to explain, you need to decide now.”

 _Now_?

 _I haven’t got time to explain_. But Lumen needed an explanation.

And Landon, he needed him too.

“I’m coming with you.” He said, without really thinking. Perhaps he could convince Landon to let him live?

“You sure?” Landon asked. “You _really_ sure?”

“Yes.” It was his final answer.

 

 

  


	10. Every river

It felt hard leaving Johnny behind, yet he knew that standing in the kitchen, watching Landon leave, would be impossible. They belonged together, ‘ _til death do us part._ Had he been younger and even more naive than he already was, perhaps he’d dream about Landon proposing, of them getting married, living happily ever after, going on romantic vacations and live a life where the love was endless and they’d seize every day. A good life with white sheets and sunny days.

Not another rainy autumn day in a lorry.

“Where are we heading this time?” Lumen asked curiously.

“North.” Landon said “We’re finally in the forest area, at least.” Lumen preferred the forest too, the trees had started to turn into a fiery orange, red and yellow and brown.

“Are we sleeping in the back tonight?” Lumen had to ask, he wouldn’t mind it- it was rather cosy, after all. The only problem was that it could get a bit chilly.

“No” the man glanced at him “We’re going somewhere proper this time.”

 _Somewhere proper_ was, actually, pretty true. The rain had stopped and the sun was setting as they reached a lodge hotel – pretty large and next to an amazing lake. Lumen could only imagine how attractive it must be for hikers and fishers.

“Are we staying here?” he asked “Or are we just going to eat here?”

“Oh, you sound so surprised, darling.” Landon chuckled “I must’ve ruined your standards taking you to those crappy motels.” He patted his back. “This night is on me, okay? Let’s spoil ourselves.”

He had that grin and there was affection in his touch, but his eyes... Lumen couldn’t help but think they looked sad. He didn’t even dare to ask why – knowing Landon would just tell a lie and change the subject.

It turned out Landon had already booked a room; either he had planned on going here anyway, or he must have assumed Lumen would’ve come with him. _Or_ he was just willing to risk it.

“Did you know I’d come with you?” he wondered, walking down the carpeted corridor of the third floor.

“I feared so” Landon sighed “It’s a wonder you’re still alive in general, kiddo. Johnny _really_ would have helped you out, you know.”

He knew; the last thing he had done was to press a note with his phone number in his hand as they hugged good-bye.

“You know I’d never call the police.” Lumen said “I’ve already got my phone back-“

Landon said nothing. Perhaps he dreaded the question. This time Lumen didn’t care.

“Why are you going to kill me?” he remembered the argument between Johnny and Landon.

“Not now, Lumen.” Landon said “I don’t feel like discussing this.”

He unlocked the door to what seemed to be some kind of honeymoon suite; it was luxurious yet still cosy, with huge windows and a perfect view of the lake.

“Well, _I_ feel like knowing!” Lumen protested, it was difficult to fully enjoy the room when Landon was stubborn and unfair.

“No.” His voice was firm, his gaze cold and jaw clenched. It was obvious he wasn’t going to give in.

“Fucking wanker.” Lumen muttered “You better not kill me in here, okay? I don’t want your stupid police to poke around and assume I’m some cheap rent-boy getting murdered in some bloody cliché and have right-wingers believe it’s what their fucking piece of shit God would have wanted.”

He hadn’t expected Landon to laugh out loud. “Man, you’re _adorable_ when you’re mad!” he shook his head “That language, though- oh, I’ll have to do something about that.”

“Aye, you’re the one to speak!” Lumen huffed, Landon didn’t have the prettiest vocabulary himself, to say the least.

“You better show your daddy some respect, kid.” Landon warned him “He’s just promised to spoil your pretty little ass rotten and you come up with that attitude? Now, that’s not good, kiddo, not good at all.” He was grabbing a beer from the mini-bar. “So, since I’ve decided to treat you like a princess, you better fucking behave like one.”

Lumen just snorted, crossing his arms stubbornly.

Landon just shook his head “You gonna have it that way, are you?” he put the bottle down, still unopened. “You’re my princess, correct?” he was towering over Lumen with his 6’1” compared to Lumen’s 5’6” but the blonde just stubbornly stared back, hiding the fact that Landon was making him nervous. He didn’t fear him- he was done with that, not now, at least.

“Strip.” He said. It was all a game- hell, perhaps it would always be a bit of a game. Yet it was serious, Lumen knew that. He loved it too.

“Why?” he asked.

Landon raised an eyebrow, and with the click of his belt being unbuckled and the sound of leather against denim, Lumen finally obeyed whilst Landon folded the strap in his hands. “I may love your fair little ass the way it is” Landon said, grabbing it hard yet briefly - it was enough to make Lumen wince a bit – “but don’t you dare think I won’t hesitate to decorate it like a fucking Bob Ross painting.” and Lumen was well aware he wasn’t going to use a paintbrush.

He somewhat clumsily stepped out of his trousers and underwear, knowing Landon too well to even wonder whether he wanted him to undress completely or not.

“Good.” Landon said and walked over to his bag. He made a short business of pulling something out- something soft and pink and-

“No way.” Lumen protested “I’m not going to-“

“Yes you fucking _are_.” Landon said “Put it on or I’ll _make you_.” Lumen could already see the bulge in his pants, and how the removal of the belt had made his jeans slide down just a bit, exposing those hiplines.

“What kinda freak got a bloody dress laying around-“ he muttered under his breath as he put it on, pulling his hair aside for Landon to zip it up in the back. He just glared when he gave him a pair of frilly knickers.

He turned around to face Landon, who had slouched into an armchair with the cold beer, sipping is as he had been watching Lumen get changed.

“You look beautiful” he said “Genuinely fucking beautiful.” It worked like a charm, and Lumen couldn’t tell why. Perhaps it was just the fact that he was weak for flattery. Still- Landon was a bit of a dick, and speaking of which; he was anything but discrete about the bulge and looked shamelessly at him with that smug grin, raising his bottle in a toast.

They ordered through the room service rather than heading down to the restaurant, champagne and wine, fancy meat and fondants with fresh, juicy strawberries.

The alcohol did help – it made him relax and combined with Landon’s jokes he even managed to have a good time, almost forgetting why he had been so tense.

“Where are you heading?” Lumen asked, earlier he had just said _north_ , perhaps he’d have more luck this time. “After all of this.”

“Alaska.” Landon said “I own a little place there, sort of sharing it with Johnny, unofficially. I stay at his place all the time, he might just as well stay at mine whenever he fancies.” In a way, it felt bad; what wouldn’t Lumen give to go to Alaska with Landon? Just be somewhat normal. Not this messed up, disastrous freak show of a one-sided relationship.

“I wanna go to Alaska too.” Lumen admitted, voice low. He looked down on his outfit- he had felt pretty, for a little while. Now he just felt strange. Had things been different, hell, it would turn him on. Now? He just felt low. As he had done the last couple of days.

“I wanna go home but I wanna be with you too.” He stood up; he didn’t want to play games anymore. He was dolled up; a toy, but he didn’t feel loved. Kinky sex used to be his forte, now he dreaded the anonymousness. They knew too much about each other –

“I don’t wanna be a toy” he sniffed, fuck- was he going to cry? Apparently he was.

He reached back for the zipper and pulled it down. This dress wasn’t his. He wanted Landon, but all these things felt like walls separating them. Making Lumen _one of them_.

“Lum-“ Landon started.

“I don’t wanna wear this” Lumen interrupted him. “I’m sorry- I’m... sorry.”

“No-“ Landon stood up “Darling, what’s the matter?” he sighed, it wasn’t a real question. Lumen couldn’t speak anymore, his clenched jaw hurt but relaxing would make him break down completely even faster. He just took the knickers off and walked towards the bed, feeling a great need to lie down for a while.

Sobbing into the fluffy, soft duvet made him feel less exposed anyway.

He didn’t know how much later the bed shifted as Landon sat down, five minutes? Fifteen? But his voice was careful and insecure. “Lumen” he touched his shoulder but the feeling made him flinch. He never saw Landon’s pained expression but he could hear how his voice changed.

“Please, don’t cry.” He pleaded. “Lumen-“ a deep sigh, a breathy “Fuck.”

“I love you but-“ he was crying like crazy now, sniffing and sobbing. “I don’t wanna die..!”

Landon was quiet. Lumen felt a bit guilty about ruining their romantic dinner, he was simply overwhelmed. And Landon... he finally moved closer, pulling him into his arms with that gentle firmness he so often used.

“Don’t love me.” Landon said quietly. Landon rolled him over onto his back and looked down at him, forcing Lumen to look back by cupping his cheek. “Please, don’t love me.”

Lumen just looked back, wishing his eyes would tell Landon it was too late anyway.

Perhaps it worked; perhaps Landon just assumed. The man kissed him, nevertheless, and Lumen kissed back.

It was different from the mattress in the lorry; it was passionate in other ways; tears still fell from Lumen’s eyes as Landon fingered him carefully, refusing to do anything more than kiss him until the sobs turned to moans.

“I love you” Lumen whispered before Landon pushed inside, positioned between his legs. “I love you-“ he was gasping, immediately wrapping both legs and arms around him. Landon didn’t respond to his words, he just thrusted, kissing and suckling his neck, groaning and panting until he came.

Lumen had never used the term _making love_ , but perhaps this was it. It felt like it was somewhat literal;

“I love you too” Landon finally admitted. Lumen hadn’t expected it, and although it probably hadn’t _happened_ during the sex, in a poetic way perhaps it was fitting for the situation.

 _I love you too, I love you too, I love you too_ \- the words were ringing in his head as he showered, Landon had washed up already and had probably fallen asleep. He didn’t know if it was just the lack of sleep that had drained so much energy from his appearance; he looked older now, had done for a little while, even, especially around the eyes. He had said they didn’t have to leave too early. That they, for once, could take their sweet time.

All Lumen could think about were Landon’s words and the fact that he had lived another day.

He wrapped a towel around his hips and left the bathroom with the steamy scent of lavender. Landon was lying in the bed, seemingly texting with a glass of wine on the bedside table. His thick eyebrows were furrowed and it wasn’t until he actually noticed Lumen’s presence that the frown turned into a somewhat insecure smile.

“Hey... are you okay?” it had gotten intensely emotional. Lumen wasn’t sure what to say, was he okay? He poured himself a glass of wine and brought the remaining chocolate covered strawberries.

“Yeah.” He climbed into the bed and moved closer to the man, who immediately flung his arm around him and pressed a kiss to his lips. This was what he wanted to remember- just soft, slightly chapped lips and the stubble against his lips and cheek and warm skin beneath his palms.

He wasn’t sure, but he thought he saw sadness in Landon’s dark eyes. He didn’t dare to ask, but it felt contagious, if Landon was sad, it was probably a bad sign, especially for him.

He didn’t dare to comment on it; Landon might shut off, he couldn’t ask either, he’d just shrug it off with a joke or tell him to stop asking.

Instead he pulled him closer, slightly downward, allowing Landon to rest with his head on his chest.

 

 

It was noon once they actually decided to get productive; they had only had the decency to actually order breakfast – which they ate in bed, but shortly after gone for another quickie and a nap.

He noticed that Landon had changed his wardrobe at Johnny’s; the t-shirts had been replaced with flannels and knitted jumpers.

They set off around half past twelve, climbing back into the cab which, for once, didn’t require full force from the air conditioner to be endurable. They drove through mostly forests, and occasionally they’d see mountaintops and fields in the distance.

“I was fourteen the first time.” Landon said, changing gears. He looked somewhat uncomfortable, yet firmly determined. “Dad was an asshole. Used to beat up mum, beat up me too. I’d gladly take a punch for her. She was amazing.” This wasn’t the time for pity, Lumen wanted to reach out and comfort, yet knew better than to. Landon wouldn’t appreciate it.

“And one day... well, she went out and didn’t return. Had a major heart attack, just like that. Dad was laughing and joking about it. Wanted her insurance money, called her a _stupid bitch_ and all. I sort of snapped, I suppose. I felt so fucking cheated. I had made us a plan on how we’d get out and- death just fucking happened.” He looked thoughtful, as if trying to come up with what to say next.

“I killed dad, anyway. He deserved it- made the world a better place by doing so.”

Landon then got quiet, just shrugged. Lumen didn’t feel any better now.

“Why kill _me_?” Lumen asked “Or the others- what have we done?”

Landon looked over, just for a second, and then sighed.

“Oh, kid- you’re disappointing me now. After all this shit you _still_ think it’s fucking personal?”   

_Not personal. But our love is. We are Personal._

“Look- either I kill you, or something else does. Hitch hikers like you are the _worst_ , you’re practically begging for it. You could hardly fire that gun at me anyway. I could have done so many terrible things to you by now and you wouldn’t have been able to stop me. You’d be dead the following morning had I left you there, or you’d die from something else. Death happens. Always do. So what if the death is _me_?”

Lumen was hurt, and suddenly scared. And angry.

“You told Johnny you wasn’t sure about killing me.” Lumen snapped back “That you didn’t want me to leave.”

Landon seemed surprised and suddenly uncomfortable.

“So you’re eavesdropping?”

“Fuck you.” Lumen said “Don’t change the subject.” Hadn’t he been angry, he would’ve been worried about Landon turning right into the mountains rather than sticking to the main road. He didn’t pay it any attention right now, however.

“You’re going to leave.” Landon said “Why the fuck wouldn’t you? I’m a perverted murderer. Besides-“ he said “They all leave, one way or another.” _Through death?_ Perhaps that was it- his mum had left. Could that be the problem?

Landon said nothing, Lumen was panicking. They had reached the top already- Landon stopped, opened the door. “I’m going to show you something.” He said.

Lumen could hear the sound of running water, along with the birds singing. It was a lovely day; sunny yet a bit chilly and the scent of pine tree was strong and fresh.

They walked a path upwards, a wooden fence between them and the edge of the cliff, a wild stream running there far below.

There- about twenty minutes in, was a naturally open spot, an old campfire and some benches and an amazing view of the area. Lumen looked out- this was it. This was actually it. There was a large opening in the fence and nothing to stop him from falling off the cliff down into the stream, a fall he’d never survive. If he didn’t break all his bones, he’d surely drown instead.

“Landon-“ he said “Please... I’ll do anything” this was it. He had sworn to himself he wouldn’t beg. But this was it.

“Turn around” Landon said. Lumen wasn’t close enough to the edge to actually fall down or be pushed off easily. He did as he was told, giving the man a final look, desperately trying to read his face.

He wasn’t happy.

This wasn’t joy.

But if he was a murderer... a serial killer, even, why did he made it appear to be a difficult decision? He had always known he’d kill him.

“I’d do anything for you” Lumen said “I _love_ you, Landon- I do- I really do.” His brain wasn’t there anymore, but his heart was. He could hardly feel the words pass through his mouth, the words be formed- they just flowed like the river beneath him.

“I just wish we could be together. I wouldn’t run away.” When he turned his face just slightly, he could see the gun in Landon’s hand, aiming at him. Steady, the way it should be done. The way Lumen hadn’t managed to.

“I’m sorry about your mum. But... wouldn’t she want you to be happy?” this was thin ice. What did he have to lose?

“No words can describe a mother’s love, but I want to love you too. Please don’t forget that I did. Love you, I mean.” Why didn’t he just shoot? Perhaps he should jump.

What would hurt the most?

He took a step forwards, then another. Head held high.

_This is hurting more than either the fall or bullet._

There were sudden movement behind him- then a firm grip around his wrist, it almost hurt. Landon was crying, Lumen too. He pulled him off the cliff, away from the edge and only let go to – with a strong, fast movement of his arm – throw the gun over the edge. The water was too loud for the sound of it breaking the surface to be heard.

He half fell, half jumped into his arms and breathing felt unnecessary when Landon was holding him tighter than ever before.

“I’m sorry” Landon whispered “I’m sorry”

 

Lumen didn’t remember walking back, only being squeezed tight. He didn’t remember climbing into the cab, but remember feeling safe once he got back in.

They were both crying, he remembered that, at least. Landon didn’t speak. Lumen didn’t either. The radio was playing music but he didn’t hear the words.

Landon seemed to know where they were going, but it wasn’t the way they had come.

It wasn’t until an hour later Lumen finally dared to ask.

“I made a promise.” Landon said, he didn’t have to say to whom. Lumen knew it was Johnny. Landon kept looking at the clock on the dashboard. “We might just make it.”

It was six o’clock  and they were approaching a city. Lumen felt completely clueless, were they heading to another hotel? Perhaps he was just going to drop him off? The thought scared him, he hardly had enough money to get around for long.

More than anything, he didn’t want Landon to leave.

Perhaps he could come along to Alaska? He could get a job to support himself, definitely! He could easily get a job as a waiter or perhaps a shop assistant.

They eventually did stop on a parking lot. Lumen was pretty sure lorries weren’t allowed there, Landon didn’t seem to care.

Perhaps he had been blind, or just confused. But they were at an airport.

“Why are we here?” Lumen asked. “Why-“

“You’re going home, kid.” Landon sighed “I’m sending you back.”

_Back? Back south? Back where he had found him?_

“I... you’ll stop at JFK, there shouldn’t be a too long wait for the next flight to Edinburgh.”

Lumen opened his mouth, then closed it and opened it again. He must look like a bloody fish.

“...What?” he asked. “I’m... going...?”

“Home.” Landon finished for him. “You were meant to go home- I... I’ve got too much things going on.” He shook his head “It’s not about what we _want_ , Lumen, okay? it’s about what’s right... what we _need_ to do.”

“But I need you-“

“I know it feels like that, darling.” Landon sighed “But... I’m not ready, okay? It’s not the right time. Not the right circumstances. I made Johnny a promise; to stop what I’m doing. I’m selling the lorry and we’re leaving for Alaska.” _And you can’t come with us._

He smiled, eyes tear-filled again, then patted his cheek gently “You’re one tough son of a bitch, princess. You can do this. Think of Lydia.” He opened the door- Lumen wanted to protest, but Landon had already grabbed his bag and gotten out. Lumen had to follow, he knew Landon probably wouldn’t hesitate to use force otherwise.

There was a moment of hugs and ugly crying, tears flowing as they kissed and hugged, and kissed again. And again.

“You be good, Lumen, okay?” Landon said, holding his face with both hands “But not too good, you little brat.” He pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Landon” he sobbed.

A last kiss and a slap on the ass from the man he'd never forget.

 

And suddenly he found himself standing there, on his own, with a one-way ticket in one hand and his bag in the other.

 

This was it.

Their final mile had come to the end. 

 

  


	11. [Epilogue] The year turns round again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll wager a hat full of guineas  
> Against all the songs you can sing,  
> That some day you'll love,  
> And the next day you'll lose,  
> And winter will turn into spring.

He was looking at the picture every now and then- Landon asleep, basked in a golden glow from the great window with the sun rising over the lake. The only picture he had taken of him. He looked like the sun himself.

 

He scrolled with his finger, a picture, Landon had a flannel shirt, sitting in a jeep. There was a dog, messy, white and golden fur and almond eyes.

_He’s named him Lomond after you. We found him at a gas station! / Johnny._

_I miss him; please let him know about me once he gets better. / Lumen._

 

They had stayed in touch, secretly texting. It didn’t happen often, but every now and then. Landon apparently didn’t know- he had to focus on healing, he was in therapy, apparently, and surprisingly enough doing well. Lumen was proud, Johnny too. Landon had changed for the better and was being a bit more open, according to Johnny, and now spent plenty of time out in the woods with the dog, doing up the house and chopping wood every now and then. He had even gotten a new motorcycle he had named Donna. 

 

_When he gets better you’ll have to come visit, or I could totally send him to Scotland- or I could come too, that’d be sweet! We miss ya both, lil dude. Happy birthday! / Johnny._

It was funny, how life went on. How he rose every morning, looking out over the moors surrounding the little farm. The sheep’ wool glistering with tiny drops of morning dew out on the field and the horses whinnying hungrily as he stepped inside the small stable before the sun had fully risen.

He worked at the farm, he went out to the pub, singing along with the old tunes, and he rode his horse around the loch.

And all of a sudden, a year had passed.

 

 

 

_Hey, kid / Landon_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there will come a time of great plenty,  
> A time of good harvest and sun.  
> Till then put your trust in tomorrow, my friend,  
> For yesterday's over and done.


End file.
